Friday, May 04, 2018

I'm a Ninja and you probably had no idea

Today I found out that I am, indeed, a ninja.

Let me set the scene.

I'm a married guy living in a small house with 3 children, one of which is 3 years old and hasn't let me take a shit in peace for well over a year now.

My wife is in the bathroom brushing her teeth when it occurs to me that I really have to take a leak.

My toddler is distracted so I sneak into the bathroom to do my business and of course the moment that liquid starts flowing from my tallywacker the toddler is now in the bathroom with me and watching intently.

This is when things get weird.

I'm taking a rather large leak because I had a metric ton of water just earlier when randomly I hear "Is that caca" and then next thing I know I've got a small hand grabbing the hairs on my balls and yanking downward.

I immediately swat the hand with a "what the fuck' and my toddler is laughing and now thinks that we are playing a game.

Over the course of what feels like the next ten minutes I am busy trying to aim properly with one hand and making sure my urine hits its mark and with my other hand I am showing my mad ninja skills by constantly swatting away a crazy toddler hand who is laughing his ass off while trying to either grab the hairs on my balls or grab the sac.

During this time I am also trying to not create a ruckus because the wife is still brushing her teeth behind me and seemingly not paying attention to the utter fucking chaos that is happening at the toilet.

I want to stand here and proudly proclaim that my ninja skills won out and not a single drop even hit the rim off the toilet while I utilized two hands with two different actions and won a major battle against an unpredictable toddler.

However, he grabbed my balls and yanked downward.  I squatted down and swatted his hand with my left hand while my right hand pulled updward to counterbalance the action sequence going on and I pissed all over the wall behind my toilet.

You may now return to your normal every day life.