I'm a married guy living in a small house with 3 children, one of which is 3 years old and hasn't let me take a shit in peace for well over a year now.
My wife is in the bathroom brushing her teeth when it occurs to me that I really have to take a leak.
My toddler is distracted so I sneak into the bathroom to do my business and of course the moment that liquid starts flowing from my tallywacker the toddler is now in the bathroom with me and watching intently.
This is when things get weird.
I'm taking a rather large leak because I had a metric ton of water just earlier when randomly I hear "Is that caca" and then next thing I know I've got a small hand grabbing the hairs on my balls and yanking downward.
I immediately swat the hand with a "what the fuck' and my toddler is laughing and now thinks that we are playing a game.
Over the course of what feels like the next ten minutes I am busy trying to aim properly with one hand and making sure my urine hits its mark and with my other hand I am showing my mad ninja skills by constantly swatting away a crazy toddler hand who is laughing his ass off while trying to either grab the hairs on my balls or grab the sac.
During this time I am also trying to not create a ruckus because the wife is still brushing her teeth behind me and seemingly not paying attention to the utter fucking chaos that is happening at the toilet.
I want to stand here and proudly proclaim that my ninja skills won out and not a single drop even hit the rim off the toilet while I utilized two hands with two different actions and won a major battle against an unpredictable toddler.
However, he grabbed my balls and yanked downward. I squatted down and swatted his hand with my left hand while my right hand pulled updward to counterbalance the action sequence going on and I pissed all over the wall behind my toilet.
Here I sit, the calm before the storm.
At the moment the wife is at work, the 12 year old is at school and the toddler is with grand parents because I needed to have some personal time and space to get some stuff in order before tomorrow.
I started doing dishes and the toddler wanted to help. Cleaning up the floor afterwards was annoying and of course the is the always constant demand for "more bubbles daddy" which means using more detergent than I'd like.
However, I marched forward and the first load is in the dishwasher currently drying and I will finish the rest of them later on.
Took clothes out of the dryer and also put a new load in. Spent some time folding and re-folding and re-folding and a constant "Stop touching that, leave it alone. NO it is already folded, you don't need to fold it.... Please stop touching the clothes...."
I'm not sure how I actually finished folding them but I completed that one load with no casualties.
I also assembled a baby car seat because for some reason the one we had 3 years ago doesn't appear to exist any longer. Now I just have to put it in the car so that we will be ready to leave the hospital in a couple of days.
Everything leads to tomorrow and the birth of my 2nd (3rd if we are speaking non genetically).
Tomorrow of course is Tax Day which normally falls on the 15th unless the 15th is during a weekend. So, my sweet baby Sofia will be born on Tax Day and that is pretty cool thinking about it because in a former life I went to school to do taxes and actually graduated with a B.S. in Accounting. All these years later I have a baby born on Tax Day just to remind me what I did not do with my life.
Other notable things about the 17th of April.
Bat Appreciation Day
Blah, Blah, Blah Day.
Ellis Island Family History Day
International Ford Mustang Day.
International Haiku Poetry Day.
Malbec World Day.
National Cheeseball Day.
National Kickball Day.
Nothing Like a Dame Day.
World Hemophilia Day.
In order to make this day more special to me I'd love if any of my readers would take a moment and write a little something about one of the above "days."
I know I have some words to eventually type about some of the above but it would be cool to relive this every year and see what my friends have to say.
Thank You all in Advance and come tomorrow I'll have new pictures of my new love to share!
I know how I was all gun-ho earlier and wanting to type more but as it gets closer and closer to having the new baby my time has disappeared and when I do have a few free moments I don't want to spend it in front of a keyboard.
My time has been so dedicated to everything else that I still have to file my taxes and that shit is coming up real quick (As a matter of fact, it is on her 0th birthday).
So, you get my apologies and I will end up doing better but I've really had to put my focus elsewhere.
The end of this pregnancy has been really rough on the wife unlike the last two and she is hoping she just randomly pops but that bitch has a strong uterus and that baby could probably live in there until she is 3 or 4 years old.
Also - we have some really amazing friends who have given us some great things for the baby and we are really appreciative.
In fact, I'm going to (at least) get some thank you cards going (which I know I suck at but I want to get better so that my children can be better at it).
I'm going to go let a 3 year old out of time-out now and ignore the 12 year old who won't listen to me for a bit until I go to work.
Peace, Love and I can't wait for Wrestlemania tomorrow.
I don't know how to put into words the true emotions that are running through me. You were an amazing open, honest and accepting person. I look back over the years I have known you and other than dreading spending the night because of the chores you would run us through I cannot think of anything I didn't like.
From the first moment I met you when I was young and in my screw what others think phase, you accepted me.
I still remember our first meeting. Eric brought me over to the house and their was a party going on with all kinds of family kicking back, having some brews and just having a great, loud (like you can only do it when you live out in the country and your neighbors are far enough away) time. Then I get introduced.
There I stand, idiot high-school kid wearing Combat boots with a skirt and fishnets. My hair looking a mess and a nose ring. You did a double take a made a joke about dragging me around like you drag a bull around, through the nose ring.
There was no typical speech, no condensation, no "Eric, what the fuck is wrong with your friend?"
No, you accepted me from the first moment as did everyone else at the party.
Over the years you all became a second family to me and I spent enough time at your house that I probably could have paid rent or at least pony'd up some money for food.
The years went on and I moved to Vegas.
Every time you vacationed out here and I had time in my schedule to see you guys you made sure to make time for me.
When I brought my future wife along you made her feel welcome and accepted as only you can - through jokes and making fun of her husband.
There are very few people outside of my own family who have affected me over the years but you and your family are first on that list.
I will always regret not finding a way to make the time to see you during your last two visits and missing you when I was last in PA and drove up to your empty house as you and Betty were out at an appointment.
Thank you for allowing me into your family.
Thank you for allowing my family into your heart.
Thank you for coming to my wedding.
For all the good times.
For all the laughs.
For all the times you and the other drunk old people whooped our asses at volleyball.
You were such a fun loving soul and you will sorely be missed.
I may not have caught you doing it and I may not know who you are but I will review the security camera footage until I find you.
I will study your face and memorize you.
I will then find you on social media and expose you.
I will track you down and get my revenge and it will be sweet.
You will be cyber bullied.
You will be crucified.
I wish a plague upon your house.
I wish the death of a thousand scorching suns.
I wish a tape worm that gets over aggressive and eats a hole though your intestines, maybe even your colon.
I wish the AIDS virus upon you and preemptively I wish leprosy upon you and your junk and that it falls off next time you take matters into your own hands, if you know what I'm saying.
You, sir, are the lowest form of filth that this world knows and I hope your life sucks for the duration of it, I believe that they call that karma and I'm not talking about the name of the last stripper that took you into the back room and gave you pleasure.
In closing: Go Fuck Yourself
Yes, that is what it looks like and yes I had to clean it.
Ladies and Gentlemen this post is a bit later than anticipated because it appears as it takes a couple of days for StepBet to verify info and get the results and payouts out.
With that being said - My last Weeks Results!!!
Once again I hit my 10k every single day and the only day where I really slacked was Friday, but 10k is 10k.
Now to the StepBet portion of our show.
I completed my first game of StepBet and I plan on playing more. My goal of course is to roll this $40 over and just build it up slowly over time but use it as a means to get more motivated and get more steps in instead of just doing the 10k Everyday that I have planned for 2018.
So with that being said my first victory brought me a return of 12.5% or a little over $5.
Yes, doing a 6 week program and getting $5 out of it is really nothing but in reality that wasn't the point. The point was to see if this little $40 and the competition would motivate me and it sure as shit did.
If you look at it the way I am - Doing 10k Everyday for 6 weeks would be 420,000 steps and I'll have some days where I go way over so lets add 20% on to that and that brings us to 504,000 steps.
Not bad. However, with my personalized goals and this competition I managed to rack up 694,373 steps (Oh so close to 700k) which averages me over 16k steps every single day instead of just 10k.
Wow, what a difference.
Granted, there were days where my feet were just absolutely killing me but in the long run this will become more normal and I'll get more activity thus helping me drop some weight, and that is the end goal. Becoming more active to keep up with the young brats that I am raising.
So, Game one is done and Now I'm doing a rest week.
With StepBet, the games I am currently playing in have 6 total weeks with the first week being a Warm Up week where you can technically fail every single day and not lose. It's weeks 2-6 that matter when it comes to the competition and the money.
So - I already know which game I am getting into next and I'm just taking it easy this week and not pushing myself so that when Monday rolls around I will get back to the grind.
This next game ends March 25th and in the middle of that game I'll have to make a decision.
With the new baby coming Mid April I won't be able to start another game and realistically get my steps in when I am spending multiple days in the hospital taking care of my wife and new daughter and then for a week or two after that I'll be at home taking care of the whole family while the wife recovers from her C-section. So, I'm looking at not getting into another game until Beginning to mid May.
However, If I decide that it will be worth it long term I might get the membership which will let me play in 3 games at a time (thus tripling my income or failure). If I go that route there is one more game that I am eyeing up that Starts March 5th and ends April 15th.
April 15th, worst case scenario is 1 day before we pop the baby out, thus letting me get two more games in before I take my break.
What I'll end up doing is put some minor effort into running some numbers and figure out where my break even point would be if I went that route and where I would start turning a profit. I figure the only way I'm interested in that is if I can end the first year at least break even.
One game is not really a good sample size but if I plan on winning every single time (and why the hell would I plan on not winning?) I at least have some sort of point of reference instead of random guess.
Y'all don't want to sit around and listen to a guy talk about walking.
So, I leave you with....
PostScript: I'm working on writing a story. I don't expect it to be long and I don't expect it to really be well written but I'm just working on it.
Should I publish it in parts on this blog as I finish them or should I wait until it is done and put it out as a whole?
Also, would anyone like to be a sounding board and/or quick read editor to suggest changes or help me clean it up before I publish it (in whatever form I decide?).
My goal is that the story is entertaining in it's final form and that is pretty much it.