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Thursday, February 09, 2012

The Truth about Cats and Dogs

Josie does not like dogs.  Of all my years I have never understood while people don't like dogs.  Sure they might have some minor annoyances like barking because they heard the door rattle at 2 in the morning and they want to make sure that everyone is aware that evil might be lurking outside.  But, in reality, that is just our best friend trying to make sure that evil does not come inside and destroy his family.  Even a tiny three pound dog thinks that he's big and viscous and can help scare off incoming evil to keep his people safe.
It's not a tumor!

But with that minor annoyance aside dogs do a lot of things to show their undying love and affection.  The first thing I see when I get home is my Monster with his tail wagging wanting to greet me and show me how much he has missed me over the last 10 minutes, 10 hours, 10 days, whatever.  He f'n loves me.  His tail wags a mile a minute, there is no one in the house other than he and I, he jumps and pants and just wants to give me attention. It's unconditional love and it's the greatest thing in the world.
How can you not love this ball of fur?

There is another specie of household pet that I do not understand though, and that is the cat.
How can you like to have a pet around who's independent?  Why the hell are you having a pet if the thing is just going to ignore you and only come to you when he wants something?  If that's what you want just adopt a teenager, it's the same thing.
Cat's are snooty, vile, evil beings.  They also happen to suck the souls of their owners but most people don't know that.  They are Evil Soul Sucking beasts from the ninth ring of hell who have been put on earth to enslave humans to their whim.  It's disturbing how well they have integrated themselves into most of my friends houses and because I know their secret I'm pretty much foreboden from entering.  If I do somehow find myself in a house with a cat, within hours my eyes start to itch uncontrollably.  My lungs start to tighten up and breathing gets difficult.  These are just the beginning symptoms.  Cats are literally trying to kill me if I enter their house because they feel that I'll turn their humans against them (which is my ultimate goal).

The following are un-doctored pictures of cats in their true form - this is how I see them even though most humans can't look past the fake persona that they have adapted.

This is a cats True form in hell. Only on earth do they look "cute" and "sweet"

28 comments:

  1. I was considering it because my friend's friend's friend has a chihuahua that needs a home and my son has been DYING for a dog forever, so this would work for everyone but me. Dogs bite me. :( I'm probably not going to get it though....I was almost a yes last night.

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  2. yes, but you need a garbage bag to clean up after them!!

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  3. i like these --> http://dogue-de-bordeaux-breed-store.com/images/large/dogue-de-bardeaux-luxury-leather-dog-harness-dog-88_LRG.jpg

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  4. That's the one. I have the one where his head looks huge and you can see the booger up your nose.

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  5. it would be wise to not get new pets until you are living in an apartment that you know will allow you to have them, instead of getting them and then having to struggle to find a place that lets you keep them. fyi

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  6. if you're talking about nipples, then yes

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  7. Josie why are you considering a dog? Funny that you are. I was at the animal shelter yesterday toying with the idea of adding a member to the family.

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  8. No way jose! Let's see! Does the photo include my fav but oft ignored part of the male anatomy?

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  9. When the old grouch and me started dating I had a cat. He would bring his dog over to socialize him. It was ADORABLE. Sadly , he needed another home when we shacked up.

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  10. Not the photo I was referring to dear.

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  11. Maybe you are the evil overlord? :)

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  12. I will tolerate this attitude of yours only because I like looking at the photo of you.

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  13. Cats also smell, shed and shit.
    They also have an evil overlord whom they report all of your activities to.

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  14. Actually the x-rated version of that pic would be when Troy bit my tallywacker - and no one got a photo of that.

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  15. Josie, I have the x rated version of that photo.

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  16. LOL I don't like that undying conditional love shiat. I don't want a dog looking for attention the second I walk through the door. Plus they smell, shed and shit. Now cats on the other hand, I like. A little cold and aloof but then again, so am I.

    I must say that IS an adorable photo, except for the dog.

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  17. Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

    Dogs are all about you. Cats are all about them.

    I have both and I love both, but they are definitely different. The cat likes 30 seconds of attention. The dog, well, we have never gotten her to the breaking point. They both get extra affectionate when they are hungry, but that is pretty much the only time the cat gets purry and cute. Basically, the dog lives in our house and we live in the cat's house because he does not have opposable thumbs to open the cans of cat food.

    I guess we are lucky in that our cat and dog get along. They are best buds even though they do not understand each other. The dog brings a toy to the cat to play with and the cat leaps over the toy to tackle her. The dog plays fetch as the cat stalks her now...it's adorable in a "Plains of Africa" way.

    This is my first cat and I am definitely a dog person. But it is fun to watch the cat as they are closer to wild than dogs.

    Splitter

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  18. I love them all. I'm an equal opportunity sucker for all furry, scaled, or feathered creature.

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  19. I do love dogs, as I mentioned on Josie's blog. They are wonderful, loyal, loving animals. Cats I can take or leave, but if you put a gun to my head....I'd leave.

    One of my friends who read my "dogs in Vegas" story on my blog claimed that dogs are girl magnets. Have you found this to be the case? Have you been able to use your dog to pick up any ladies?

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  20. Rob, they are chick magnets! In our divorce I made sure to get the smaller current dog so he would be less magnetic.
    I'm telling you this dog is a conversation starter! He's three pounds of pure cute. Everywhere we have ever taken him people always ask to hold him and all that jazz.
    A few weeks ago I took him to the dentist with me, a big no no in regular circumstances but not with this guy. The girls there wanted to keep him for a mascot!

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  21. Carmel, regarding dogs as chick magnets.....I hope grrouchie will forgive the shameless self promotion but if you haven't already seen it, you might like this story:
    http://goo.gl/Dd0wK

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  22. Shamelessly promote all you want, I'm cool with that.

    Also, It appears as though I'll be booking a stay at the Rio and taking my dog with me in the near future :)

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    1. I'll bet.

      Good luck. Hopefully you'll be able to take full advantage of the "Exhibitionist Bathrooms" they have at the Rio!

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  23. Where are these bathrooms kept - I'm going to have to hunt them out. Maybe I'll go to the Rio Tomorrow!!!

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    1. I'm referring to the bathrooms in their guest rooms. They have windows in the showers that look into the sleeping area and vice versa.

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  24. dogs think they're viscous? Like they're thick and sticky and don't flow well?

    ;)

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