Sunday, August 27, 2023

Hard Factor: Pre-Season

April 2023:

Ain't She a Beaut?

So there I was, roaming Walmart with my wife when the text message came through. New Hard-Core draft, being organized by Hard Corn Porn legend Dirty Dave Storms!!! Register now or go limp forever.

I've been waiting for an opportunity like this my entire life. Slop Knob with a celebrity and slowly rise to fame.

I clicked on the link without asking any questions and quickly threw the entry fee into my League Safe account, pulling it out of my child's college savings account.

Before I even went through the motions, I knew that this was going to be a sin I was going to have to atone for in the very near future. But, Fuck it, greatness awaits.

June 2023:

After two months of tough negotiations and trying to find the Scum of the Earth, Dirty Dave succeeds in forming a complete league and the draft begins.

Draft Central

There is lots of wheeling and dealing and tough decisions. I often visited my local homeless shelters and hospice centers to get advice from people who have had a tough life because we all know the harder your life the better your decision-making process.

The homeless guys would give me advice for food. Or Weed. Or Beer. Or Liquor. Or a Handy. They weren't really picky, they just wanted something in return.

As for the hospice, I made sure to hit up the dementia ward so that they wouldn't want anything in return (except some nice old-fashioned companionship) and if they did want something they didn't remember it by the next time I arrived.

Mistakes were made.

The biggest mistake was having a joint bank account with my wife who saw the payment to the league and where the money came from.

Then telling her "Look bitch, I'm an adult and I can do whatever the fuck I want!"

Things I learned in June:

1 - Don't mess with a Mexican woman who has a big family.

2 - She can have the locks changed in the entire house pretty damn quickly

3 - It is possible for someone to freeze you out of a bank account with your name on it.

That's how I ended up living out of my Toyota Corolla with only the money in my wallet and the clothes on my back. But, with the right attitude I set out to who-knows-where not knowing how I was going to survive long enough to win this league, gain huge profits and convince my wife to take me back.

August 2023:

I consider my state of joblessness more of an early retirement or a long, overdue, vacation than I consider it being homeless. It makes me feel better to look at it in a more positive light so I don't accidentally get too depressed and Kurt Ka-Bang myself (As if I had the ability to seduce Courtney Love, marry her and have her off a 2nd husband while making it appear like a suicide.)

The reason why I have decided to start this journal (it's not a diary asshole) and start it now is two-fold. I have a LOT of free time on my hands. Like a-lot a lot.

I was finally able to barter my way into this Chromebook that I am typing on. I thought about using my phone but I don't want to develop carpal tunnel. We're not going to discuss what was actually bartered and how I found out that Rock-Bottom has more than just one layer. I've cried a lot since then.

Now you're caught up.

I'm sitting here at a McDonalds inside of a Walmart in order to get their free Wi-Fi so I can connect to the internet and see if anyone sent me any trades: Spoiler-Alert, they did not.

I'm currently in Las Vegas trying to get enough money to put gas in my car to head down to Texas where my first opponent resides (you know, provided he actually gave the right information and isn't a lying bastard).

I'm winning this league - by hook or by crook. I desperately need the money.

If I don't feel like my team can pull off a clean victory then I'm willing to make things happen, if you know what I mean.

Saturday, August 26, 2023

National Toilet Paper Day

 Let us sit back and reflect for a minute on an invention that has truly revolutionized the world.

Other than you fancy screwballs with the anal squirt gun, can you imagine your life without toilet paper? This nifty roll of thank god I don't have to use the cat, the towel or the drapes saves you a lot of time and effort.  I mean, who wants to shower every time they have to poop?  Who wants skid marks in their undies?
Toilet Paper is truly one of the greatest inventions of our life time and that includes things like the Fleshlight
Somewhere, in a tote probably at my parents house, I still have a roll of Beavis and Butt-Head Buttwipe Toilet paper.  I mean, what child of the 90s who grew up worshipping at the alter of the Great Cornholio didn't have a roll of this laying around for those special occasions?
Is there a greater fear that popping a squat and reaching over only to find out that someone else (or, let's admit it, it was you. You lazy asshat. You did it and didn't replenish after because you expected someone else to do it for you and now you sit her with shit between your cheaks and have to make a walk of shame to clean yourself while hoping nothing falls out during that walk and you have to clean the floor.... and scary to think if it falls out on the carpet) didn't put a new roll on after they finished the old roll.  Is there another one close? Is there someone in the house that you can call to in order to bring you a fresh roll or do you have to figure this out on your own?

Now, Imagine that you are wiping your tushy and you misjudge something and now have some shit on your hands.
Imagine that you just grab some TP and you wipe that crap off of your hands and then leave the bathroom?

Gross right?  I mean, You need soap and water to clean your hands when you didn't touch some fecal matter so you need MORE soap and water when your hands got some poo on them.

Why is it acceptable to to use a dry piece of paper to wipe pool off of your anus when you probably didn't get it all and now you have that smell festering in there.

Let's abandon TP all together and move towards at least using Wet Wipes because you can't clean shit without having some sort of moisture.

Thank you all for coming ot my TP talk.

Hi, It's me, again

I typed out a post.
I was unsatisfied with it.
I rambled and didn't say a fucking thing.

What I want to say is that I have the desire to start typing again.
This space is kind of therapy to me and I'm more drawn to it when I'm not in a great mental space and, quite frankly, I haven't been in a good mental space for quite some time.

That's not to say that there isn't a lot of good going on in my life - there absolutely is.
However, I've been holding the weight of the world on my shoulders for a while now with nobody lean on. No shoulder to cry on.  Just keeping it all bottled up inside and I know that isn't good for me.
I see the results, I feel the effects.

I need to talk.
I need to vent.
I need to get some things off of my chest.
I also have the desire to be a bit more creative and in the back of my head I have a story to tell. It's going to be disjointed and probably not make much sense at times, and it's going to revovle around a Fantasy Football league because I just want to be stupid for shits and giggles.

I don't know where I'm going but I damn sure know where I've been.
As I scream into the void I hope that someone is still listening.
I look back at this space of the internet very fondly and there has to be a reason I pay my yearly fee to keep the site alive right?
So, let me put it to use - Let me get back into the groove of story telling on this super old fashioned medium that has basically gone out of style and been replaced but yet still exists for the hardcore and the old fashioned and those not willing to let go of the past.

It's approaching 2 am, I couldn't sleep.  I have work tomorrow so I'm going to hit post and attempt to get a few hours in.
I'm off on Sunday so when I sit down to do this again late Saturday night I'm going to do it with a couple of beers....
scratch that
a couple of Hard Mountain Dew's in me.

The Local Fish Swims Again (but, you know, not at a poker table.... what is poker anyway?)