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Monday, April 02, 2012

Bounce Back

Yeah - not the most creative use of our 2nd letter in the alphabet.  I could have gone with Brass, Boo or Balls (all words in which I have thought of at least a paragraph worth of material).

However as I sat here this evening looking for something to type (Typed it the day before I'm posting it, not very spontaneous of me eh?) I was at a loss until Bounce Back flooded my mind.

You see, life will not always deal you winners.  You cannot always smell like roses, it's not possible.  Life is going to give you peaks and valleys and it's how you handle both of those that will determine your character.
The peaks are obviously easier to handle - that's your moment, your time in the sun so to speak.  How are you going to deal with your time to shine and how will you deal with that time when it no longer exists?

However, it's the valleys, the low's that I'm more concerned with at the moment.  How do you deal with a blow to the ego?  How do you find a way to dig down and pick yourself back up off the pavement to continue along the path you were already traveling.

I'm not good with rejection and this has played a big role in my life.  You see, the fear of rejection has caused me to not attempt relationships with women over the course of my life.  No matter how close I have become with some and no matter what kind of chemistry that I thought existed - I have avoided actually making any moves to take the relationship to that next level and that has left me cold and alone in the friend-zone for most of my life.  All because I don't know how to handle the rejection if I'm turned down.

However this also carries over into other aspects of life.  Fear of being turned down for a promotion for instance. Or fear of trying something new - which is the point at which I am in my life.

Over time I try small things to try to get over my fears and internationalism (that's the word spell check told me to use, I hope it fits).
I have a horrible fear of needles and that is the main reason I got my first Tattoo.  I knew I wanted one but taking the step to actually get it and face my fear was big.  In fact, I ended up passing out during that session. Blood sugar dropped, sweating like a pig, faint and dizzy and then complete black out sitting on the chair in the middle of a shop with other people around.  I don't know how long I was out for but I woke up feeling embarrassed as shit and I wanted to run.  However I downed some Mt Dew and when I started feeling better the guy finished me off and all was good in the world.  Those damned needles just ate at my brain until I couldn't take it any more.  I've got chills thinking about it.

Now, I am at a point in my life where I am trying to change career paths and my fears are strong in me.  Saturday night was very hard on me.  Getting to my audition didn't bother me at all.  Tapping another dealer out and taking their place didn't bother me at all (so I thought).  However I felt out of place standing there and trying to push the dice around.  The stick felt foreign in my hands and I couldn't control two dice to move them or push them around.  I felt like I had never done that in my life before (let alone spent the last month doing just that every day).  It was horrible, it was embarrassing.
Being pulled off the game in less than 2 rolls was a huge blow to my ego, I'd been excelling in class and here I was failing in front of a ton of strangers and possible future bosses.  I am unaccustomed to this.
They gave me a second chance at a second table with less players and I still stunk the joint up and was pulled off.  I couldn't work the stick and I tried too hard to book my bets and set the table up instead of just booking and dealing with the aftermath after the roll was over.
I'm sure it was ugly watching it and I felt like an ass for even showing up and giving it a shot. I felt like I just wasted all their time.
After my "exit" interview I took a walk around the entire perimeter of the casino in order to clear my head enough so that I could drive home, defeated and broken.  By the time I made it to my car I turned it on and just sat in it for an indeterminable length of time.  I have no clue. I just sat there in dead silence, staring off into space feeling like a complete failure.

I told anybody who broached the subject that I didn't want to talk about it. I sucked and that was all that matters.
I'm really not excited about facing the class tomorrow, having anyone ask me how it went and having to tell them that I sucked.  Especially some of the others who are being told to audition but feel like they aren't ready.  All of them have been telling me I'm 100% ready and will nail it. I don't want the fact that I failed to put any type of fear in them about going since they feel that they are not quite to my level yet.
I also am not looking forward to seeing the teacher again - she who believed in me so much that she sent me to this casino who never auditions break-ins.  I feel like I have failed her but I hope the casino doesn't hold it against her or the school for sending me before I was evidently ready.

I'm not sure how long it's going to take me to muster the courage to go through that again, but I do know that my time is running thin.  I have 4 more weeks where work has allowed me to alter my availability in order to go to class and after that I will have no time at all to go.  Then I'm left to my own devices and left without any ability to practice.  So, I'm going to have to find a way to Bounce Back and find the courage to go through this whole process again knowing what the results were last time and work on trying to change them for the better.

Yeah, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to next week. I'm not looking forward to that next audition.  I went in feeling like I was going to nail it and left feeling like shit.
I hate failure, but I will do better next time.
I will bounce back - I'm just not looking forward to going through the motions for the next few days.


Also - I'm willing to take any suggestions for topics over the course of this A-Z experiment.  If there is a certain word or phrase or whatever that is coming up that fits that days alphabet listing (or a future one) feel free to suggest it in your comments.
I don't care what it is.  If there are multiples for a day I will weigh the pro's and con's of each and possibly use the one that I feel I can best touch upon.

Thanks for reading - I appreciate it more than you all know.

48 comments:

  1. When you called me as you were walking to your car, I wanted so much to reach through the phone and hug you.
    You're really being to hard on yourself. You haven't failed anything!

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    Replies
    1. Imma the glass is mostly empty kinda guy.:)

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  2. You knew craps wasn't an easy game to deal and that's why you chose it. I have no doubt the star of the class will succeed, so please prove me right.

    In the mean time....

    I want to guest post! Can I please be assigned a letter?

    Oh and for the letter T - Tattoo - can we see a picture of one of your tattooes? Maybe you have a NE Patriots one? :)

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    1. No NE bit he can show you the awesome Steeler's tattoo! Go Steeler's!

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    2. Josie, you have just earned S for Steelers.
      S for six. Six super bowls. More than any other team.

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    3. OMFG Biatch! Erm, thank you for the S. It will have NOTHING to do with the Steelers.

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    4. Josie - S is also for Serge.
      or Surge if you prefer the carbonated beverage route!
      S can also be for sympathy and saucy and Sonofabitch.

      S is for Strippers and stroke and suck it (baby).

      Just other ideas :)

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    5. You are such an attention whore! Josie being a sweet person she will oblige you by writing a Serge dedicated post!

      Delete
  3. C- Carmel. Now that's a story I want to hear.

    She's right you know. You're being too hard on yourself. You know you can do this. You'll bounce back for sure!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I knew I should have waited to ask for topics.:)
      Also, I am very hard on myself - always have been.

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    2. C- Is for cookie, cookie is for meee!!

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    3. Give me a letter jive turkey!

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    4. No, I want a letter with finesse.

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  4. pics (of tat) or GTFO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    i got some motivational youtube vids for you, the first one is very similar to your post and even though is rocky, i think is verrrry good:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Z5OookwOoY

    another one which is my all time fave:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-5_8af3TiY

    GLGLGL
    Fboy

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    Replies
    1. Thanks #26 , I'll check em out after class today.

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    2. Rocky clip makes me want to punch meat slabs and the Clay clip makes me want to join a rap battle :)


      Thanks for sharing, loved em.

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  5. You will get the job soon enough. Sounds like the stress just took over. Last year I took a 7 week motorcycle course so I can get an instructors cert. About half of all students fail the course and at least one broken leg or arm each class. Def head trip. Anyway I made it to test week with just a few nasty wreaks but was having no problem in the pretest.

    Once testing started I couldn't do it. Sressed so much nothing worked right. Your muscles and brains don't operate well stressed. Got right down to the wire and passed but it was close. I know it sounds simple but just chill next time. Don't over think things. You'll do it.

    Got a laugh in your tat story. I almost passed out first time too. I was 18 and it was one of the smallest tattoo they had. Pitifull. Again I got so worked up it caused it.

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    1. 1st time, 2nd time, 3rd time. Man I hate those needles - they seriously do something to my nerves!

      Though I can tell by your arms that you have (probably) gotten over that needle issue of yours lol.

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    2. Just have to get in the right state of mind. Ive had over 100hrs done alot not seen. I learned to use chi to let the pain flow out of my body. Sounds like bs but it works.

      There had to be alot of pressure on you on that audition. You were standing there and you knew everyone was looking at you. It's like getting a boner when you are in the 8th grade and giving a book report in class. Happend to a friend of mine very embarrassing. Next time get in a zen like state and do it. The people playing don't know it's your first time. Like constipation relax and everything will come out just fine. Sorry for the inappropriate bathroom humor.

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    3. What does an accountant do when he gets constipated?
      He works it out with a pencil!

      Never apologize for Bathroom humor heh.
      I always appreciate it!

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  6. Yeah -- what they said. Time to cowboy up, say 'fauckit," and do your best in the remaining weeks to be ready for your next shot.

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    Replies
    1. This mean I gotta buy one of those hats they wear, some spurs and assless chaps?

      Delete
  7. You have experienced the worst in getting pulled off the table on a couple of rolls. It won't get worse than that and you survived.

    Man...I have failed soooo hard at times. The good bews is that once you have experienced the worst, nothing else scares you. There really is no place to go but up.

    Even right now, it is April 2nd and I am looking at the brown box of shame. When I call up my sales report on Amazon, the message says "nothing to report this month" in a brown box. Not one sale yesterday or so far today. It really can't be worse lol. Now, I have the freedom to raise prices and do some funky stuff I have been wanting to do. Can't hurt, right?

    I know you probably hate pep talks, so I went with a downer. Downers are reality and you really won't do worse at the next audition. Hell, you might even decide to relax and be yourself because the worst they can do is pull you off the table. They aren't going to take you into an alley and beat you lol.

    Did Big Ben quit when he got busted trying to pull coed tail? No. Did we quit when the German's bo,bed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!

    Splitter

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    Replies
    1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8lT1o0sDwI

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    2. Thanks Vookenmiester! I guess that was a little obscure :).

      Splitter

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    3. One of my joys is reading your obscure references Splitter!

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    4. I didn't think it was obscure, I was setting up the punch line!

      :)

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  8. some people just aren't good test takers. If anybody from your class asks just be honest about what happened. It is what it is. You shouldn't be embarrassed about failing something like this. If you did something mean, evil or morally wrong then you should be embarrassed. Sometimes you do your best and lose or fail. You should be disappointed but not embarrassed.

    You should only be judged on the things you can realistically control. IMHO, the real judge of character or success in life should be work ethic and how you treat others.

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    Replies
    1. I was with you until that "and how you treat others part."

      :)

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  9. grrouchie, you have not failed anything all you did was flunk a test big deal, how many times in school did you flunk a test and Bounce Back? Quitting is failure, trying and not succeeding is not failure. Good luck!

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    1. Um, I was one of those big ole dorks in school who got honor roll most of the time without trying.
      :)
      However, I do see your point - yet I won't stop being hard on myself because that's the way I am.

      I will take that luck though - hopefully to the poker table!

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    2. Yes i was also a pricipals honor roll student all my 12 yrs of school.

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  10. Yeah, everyone has pretty much covered things and I doubt you want any more rah rah stuff.

    Look at things objectively. The position you are going for involves certain things. You observe certain things and process what they mean. You then react as appropriate. Lather rinse repeat.

    So what on the above list haven't you done? It seems from what you've posted that you've had opportunities to do all the observation, processing reacting in class. Was there anything at the audition that surprised you? Anything you hadn't encountered before? I know that your body is physically capable of doing things like manipulating the stick and pushing dice cause, you know, you've done it.

    My point is that while the audition didn't go well, you know you have the capability to do everything you have to do. Your muscles can make all the right moves, your brain can fire all the right impulses to have that happen. SO what happened on Saturday?

    Basically, you got in your own way - and a botched audition like that may have been a necessary experience for you to have to understand the feeling of being in your own way. So next, you just got to work on getting out of your own way.

    That's actually something that I have on my list of things to post about, so more later.

    And I would love to take a letter. I'll never keep up with 26 posts like that on my own, but I'd be happy to do one of yours.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Looking forward to your post and I really enjoyed your observation here. Well done.

      Also, you're letter is going to be "F"
      Should be the 1st guest post to set the tone for the whole month - No pressure - Do Great! lol

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    2. F eh? Love it! By my calculation that should post on 4/6 correct?

      Looking forward to it.

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    3. Yep. Just email it to me whenever you finish.

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  11. I think your instincts are right about not scaring the class.. Just say "they said I was not quite ready yet" or something Germain like that. I would tell your teacher what happened though and get some tips. I think you really did just freak out a little. Happens.

    It's funny you mention the needles. I fainted or felt faint after every shot or needle I got... so remember the dizziness and almost puking. Actually I can put a post up about the best time!

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    1. Screw you and your not thinning hair!

      Er, I mean - it's kinda scary how much we have in common reading over your stuff and my stuff.

      When I was young I had a bad fear of needles and when I'd get my blood taken I always freaked out a bit.
      Thought I got over that - but last year I had to get some blood work and while the needle was still in me sucking the blood out of my flesh like some inanimate vampire I passed right out.
      I never got sick but the dizziness and then everything slowly fading to black.
      Right before I went out I said "you might want to have a Mt Dew waiting for me when I get back"

      Next thing I know I've got a Fan on me and two nurses fanning me off and waiting with a soda lol.

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  12. I did not fail, not once. I've discovered ten thousand ways that don't work. Thomas Edison said that. You did not fail, you learned a way that didn't work. You'll make it work another time.

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    1. It appears as though most people disagree with my use of the term "fail."

      I'm glad I've got everyone ushering words of support in one way or another - kinda nice n stuff.

      However, the above was all how I felt at the time. I'm the type who usually ignores feelings and pure honesty in such situations but I decided to just come out and describe how I felt at the time.

      I feel much better about life right now - work went relatively well and class was mostly fun. I'm looking forward to the audition hunt and getting back out there to make a fool of myself!

      Delete
  13. You used up the letter "B" on this depressing story instead of "boobs"? Please surrender your man card at once.

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    1. Grump, with all due respect, it would be totally inappropriate to use "B" for boobs. Grrouchie is a man, a man's man at that, and therefore, it would be way too wussy of him to refer to breasts as "boobs" on his own, manly, blog.

      Any blog post about breasts should be under the letter "t" for TITS. That's what a man calls them. Let some female blogger use "b" for a post about "boobs."

      Grrouch-man, I wasn't all that intrigued by the A-Z concept, but if the letter "t" is available I will gladly guest blog about "tits".

      As for your audition, yeah, it sucked that it didn't go well, but it was your first time, you'll do better next time. I hope you greeted your teacher with a paraphrase from the classic movie "Animal House" and said, "You fucked up, you trusted me."

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    2. HA Rakewell - You assume I actually ever had a man card to begin with!

      As Rob said - T for Tits - W for watamelons - J for Jugs - P for Puppies - F for Fun Bags - N for Nummy Nums - :)

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    3. Actually, the post I had in mind ONLY works with TITS.

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