Friday, September 01, 2023

Keep yo Chin up

Life has been too busy lately but sometimes that is exactly what I need. Right now, in my down time, I am watching Air on Amazon Prime. Last night, with the wife, I watched Halloween Ends. Normally, these are the hours that I would be sitting down with a video game but lately I want to do less than think. I don't want to hit buttons, I don't want to decide the fate of the world. I want to sit around in my undewear and just let a good story remove me from my existance even for just a couple of hours. 

My son has Soccer practice 3 days a week. My daughter will have soccer practice 2 days a week. Sadly, they don't overlap. So, Monday - Friday will be practice and games are on Saturday. On my days off I attend every practice. When I'm working I'm taking long lunches if I have the chance so that I can join the practices and help coach the kids. And now, on Saturday's I'll be one of the guys coaching my boys U10 team since Coach will be coaching U8. It all started when a few members of last years team (including my kid) had to advance to U10 because of age. Coach didn't want to break the team up and next year the rest of the team will jump to U10 as well. So, after much talking and some buy-in from myself and a couple other fathers, the team will have a U8 and a U10 squad. It basically means that for the next year I'll be in a phase of never stop running. 
Right now, that is exactly what I need. Keep moving, keep myself and my mind busy. 

April 2022: 
This is when things started going downhill. Had no idea where it was heading. 
In April my old man took a trip to California to have a meeting to get his van altered in order for him to get in and out of his vehicle easier. He has one knee fused and limited mobility, this as going to make his life easier. Then, while he was in his hotel, he fell. 
I'll never know what actually led to him falling or how it happened. I'm pretty sure that he has told me multiple different stories and none of it actually matters. What matters is that he fell, his non-fused knee was damaged and he couldn't move it and it couldn't be touched for months. 
Fast forward a couple of months where constant bed-rest but the lack of any improvement led to deterioration of health and my old-man comes up with a case of pnemonia and his lung collapses. 
He was in a coma for a week to 10 days and that is where shit really took a turn. Nothing has gone right since then. Everything has gone fucking wrong. His strength continues to to deteriorate. His mental abilities have gone downhill and recently diagnosed with dementia. He has been in and out of hospitals and assisted living facilities. 
He has not been home with mom since April 2022. It's been over a year and I still don't know how to handle it. I'm trying my best to have a balance in life, but I don't think it will exist for some time. I work my 40, I play with my kids and help with their soccer coaching and I run and do everything for my mom since she doesn't drive. Groceries, Doctor visits, take her to visit my old-man. 
Every day I'm running somewhere to do something for someone. 
Days off are almost non-existent. I'm slacking on my duties at home because I'm constantly physically and, more importantly, mentally drained. Everything that I have liked to do for myself, my leisure, has all taken a back seat. 
I'm having trouble existing, functioning, keeping it all together and acting like everything is fine. Somedays I feel I'm on the verge of a mental break down. I can't let that show though because I need to be strong and present for everyone. I need to be there to support my mom who, obviously, is not (i snot) taking this easy. I have to be there for my old-man who needs all the support that he can get in his time of need. 
Last week we were told that he is probably on limited time and we should look into hospice care to make his life easier and more comfortable until the end. 
Once again, that fucking broke me. I'm weak. This is why I have turned back to writing. I just need an outlet. I need a place to bang on the keys and just let things out in watever form that takes. 
Writing has worked as therapy for me before. 
Calgon, take me away.

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