Friday, March 16, 2012

Special Guest Post by Splitter

Ladies and germs, Today I bring to you something I have not done before and that is allow someone else's thoughts to be the post instead of my own.

I have posted about this individual before as since being introduced to him I feel we have forged a fun little friendship built around Pro Football (The Pittsburgh Steelers), books, and a very strong common sense of humor and table manners.

I am referring to Splitter from

He has written two books that I highly enjoyed in The Reluctant and The Willing which I recommend to anyone who enjoys action/adventure books with a good sense of humor.  He is currently working on his third book in the series which focuses on everyone's favorite lesbian protagonist Lorena (going to be called The Lesbian?)

He just finished up with a "blog-tour" to promote his last book where he had "guest posts" on 20+ blogs over the course of the last month.
During that period he approached me with the idea of posting on my blog to let his hair down and blow off some steam.  I feel pretty damned honored that when he decided he wanted to be a bit less politically correct he thought of me first!   I raise my beer to that comrade.

So, without further wait - I bring you Splitter (and I recommend you all check his blog and his work out at some point).

ps - he sent me the blog, I added some pictures for enhancement as he gave me permission lol.

The blogtour is OVER! I can breathe again. I can go back to writing again. I can be myself again.

Well, sort of. You see, as a writer trying to sell books, you really cannot be yourself. You are an
image, a brand. You have to tiptoe around everyone so as not to give insult. You have to present
yourself as “likeable” to the largest number of people possible.

It sucks. Look at my friends list on Facebook. There are people there from all political persuasions so
I get inundated DAILY with those bullshit posts. Then they ask, “Why do you never 'like' or comment
on my posts?” Well, it could be that I don't agree with them. It could also be that if I actually take a
stand on an issue, anyone who doesn't agree with me might decide to never buy my books again or,
worse, go leave bad reviews just because I prefer blue to red.

Hey, when I am outside of my author persona, I have made political posts and debated many things
over the internet with people I don't even know. I admit it. But not ONCE has ANYONE ever
changed their mind about their own views because of those debates. People just like to hear themselves
talk. And they LOVE to show that because they feel a certain way about a certain issue they are “good

I don't wish to be mean, but NO ONE CARES WHAT WE THINK!. You might think they do because
they “like” your post. You might think that your opinion matters because they choose to argue with
you. But, let's face it, in the end your opinion is only important to you and your real friends who
PROBABLY agree with you on everything anyway. If you did not share similar values with your
friends, they probably would not be your friends in the first place, would they?

Side note: I love LOLCats and such. Post the shit out of that stuff because it makes me laugh.

To all the authors out there, and this includes me, enough of the “buy my book” stuff. Yeah, I do it too
because...well, I guess it is sort of mandatory. I understand, and you should too, that we usually aren't
going to go around buying each other's books. Sometimes we will, but when most of your Facebook
and Tweet “friends” are also authors, you are barking up the wrong tree.

I would like you all to note, however, that while my posts might usually be about my books, my
comments on your posts are not and I do try to be funny, interesting, or supportive. I do apologize for
all of my “blogtour stop” posts lately, but I had to do them. That's over now. Maybe I'll find some cute
pet photos with funny captions to lighten the mood.

About those kids of yours...they are cute but ENOUGH ALREADY! I like keeping up with you and
yours, but I don't need to know every time Little Billy finds a new booger. Really.

Farmville and Words are not games I am going to be playing so please stop sending me requests. Do
you need fake Farmville money? Fine, take whatever is in my fake Farmville account if I have one.

Enough with pulling me into groups without asking me. Don't ask, either, unless it is something you
really think I would benefit from. I already had to crap out on a writing group that I REALLY wanted
to participate in because I got too busy. I am not interested in the Vaginal Fantasy Hangout any more
than I am Thinking of Cake. I like to eat cake, not think about it...

While we are at it, if I “like” your shit, fucking “like” my shit, ok? I don't care whether or not you
really like it, but a reach around is just courtesy. I am not saying that you have to like all my shit, just
enough to keep me from noticing that this is a one way relationship.

I'm not gay. It's all right if you are though. Seriously. We can chat and all that but no coming on
to the “artist writer” after you know that I am married. I know, I put gay characters into my stories
sometimes and that might make you think that I, too, am gay (fine, that reach around comment above
did not help my case...), but my wife's profile is right there! I don't put gay characters into my stories
because they are gay and I don't glorify or humiliate them any more than I do other characters. They
just happen to be gay.

For the other side, stop hating on me for putting gay characters into my stories. Really, they won't
jump off the page and sodomize you, I promise. I am not pro or anti gay...I just don't care. People are

If you are a lesbian who bought my book because you thought it was about lesbians: sorry. I don't
know where you got that information. There is a lesbian in it but it's probably not what you were
looking for. By the way, I went back and looked at the other books in your list, that's how I know you
are a lesbian. Thanks for the 1-star rating with no explanation to help other readers. Hey, my main
character is a guy that can be sexist at times and if you had bothered to leave a review that gave that as
the reason for the single star rating, I would not have mentioned you here.

I will not share a photo if I agree and I do not believe that doing so will bring me an angel. I am not
saying that I do or do not believe in angels, I just don't think they follow Facebook.

Yes, people die in my books. I killed three people just yesterday and am now trying to figure out how
to dispose of the bodies. It's sort of my thing. But “I” really do not kill people, I just write about it.
My characters kill people and, if you looked at the cover, you SHOULD HAVE FIGURED THAT
OUT by the guns that the chicks are ALWAYS holding. If good guys that kill bad guys are not your
type of hero, then read something else because you will NOT like my good guys because they are NOT

I am not Tom Crayder. I let you slide on the first two emails that address me as Tom, but that third one
creeped me out a bit. I am very glad you liked the books, however.

I know you think that guns are evil things that jump off of tables and kill people all by themselves,
but I disagree. Guns don't kill people, husbands that come home early do. I put a gun on the cover. I
had my protagonists shooting someone in the first chapter. If you hate guns, why are you reading my
books? For that matter, how do you find movies or TV shows to watch?

To the gun lovers: I know that I could have portrayed gun owners in a better light and that not
everything I write promotes “the cause.” Hey! I am a fiction writer! Who cares what I say on the
matter? Besides, sometimes people DO use guns to hurt other people. That sort of what they are built

“Did you see what I wrote on Twitter?” Nope. 90% of my Twitter followers are also authors and 90%
of what they write is “buy my book!” I don't read Twitter unless you mention my name. So why do I
have Twitter? I am told it is just something I should have.

And what's with all the tweets the DO mention my name, but it is just one of a list of other names?
What IS that?

Lastly, here is a big, double MIDDLE FINGER to PayPal for not only letting a guy in China mess up
my PayPal account, but ALSO my bank account. You'll investigate? Good, because I don't know Duy
Vu Huong (unless he is related to Won Huong Lo). I wish you would have taken my word for it.

Thanks for letting me vent here, Grrouchie!


And thank you Splitter for deciding to liven up my blog with a bit of a rant.
Anytime you feel the need to blow off steam you have a 2nd home here that you can set up shop in.

To everyone else, I hope you enjoyed this break from my ramblings but have no fear - I'm got other shit coming down the pipeline!


  1. I think I might have found another blog to follow....Thanks

    1. When looking at his blog pay attention to Tuesdays.

      Currently he has been letting the lead character in his books, Tom, Answer questions about life, love and everything else which is quite the hoot (that's right, i said hoot).

    2. Although our eat ribs and have sweaty sex Tuesdays are way better.

    3. I'll have to remember Tuesdays.....sounds like fun

  2. Nice letting down of your hair, Tom...I mean, Splitter! Please ignore all those group invites I keep giving you, but I really need more Farmville neighbors, so please use your Facebook as intended and click yes.


    1. Now that I'm older and genetics are against me, I'm opposed to the phrase "letting your hair down" as I am not capable of such an act any longer :)

      Oh, and CafeWorld was always better than Farmville.

    2. Tricia, your group requests are actually good lol. I even plan to participate now that the tour is over lol.

      I wonder hpw many people will de-friend me (is that the word?) when they read this, though. I assure everyone, it was not them in particular, just the overwhelming amount of BS. I still don't get the whole social media thing.

      Love being here, Grrouchie! I guess I got a little grumpy :)


  3. Tom needs questions for Ask Tom Tuesdays preferably before Tuesday...


    1. I will get a question to you today/night

    2. Splitter, just asked this fool a question about an event. His response ," Ask Tom."

      You have made my life a little harder :)

    3. Well, Carmel, when has Tom been wrong? Lol

      Ok, don't answer that...


  4. I'm sorry, I stopped reading my own post when I saw the chick with the gun. It's true! If you look hard enough (no pun), there IS an Evil Black Rifle in that pic. It's just to the left of the navel ring...


  5. Great weekend laugh Splitter! For the record I rarely post on FB for all the above reasons. I am glad you tour is over and you can go back to writing! Grouchie great visual aids :)

    1. And your son IS cute! That's the thing...once in a while is cool. Four times a day is not cool.


    2. Thanks Heidi, and thanks for stopping by

    3. I never post pics of my kids....I hardly ever post pics unless funny or sparkly. If you don't like it, tough shit. Unfriend me then!!!!

      Sorry, just feeling the vibe of the post still.

  6. Wow, that was a great rant. And certainly worthy of appearing on grrouchie's blog, fits right in.

    Aside from the chick with the gun (there's a gun?), what I especially liked was your comments on politics and trying to avoid them. I can totally relate to that! I recently blogged a story about some really annoying guy who wouldn't stop talking politics at the poker table. Then I went to say the reason I don't want to discuss my political leanings on my blog is that, based on personal experience, I will likely lose readers just because some people don't like my politics, even tho I never discuss politics on my blog!

    Then, to make things worse, in my "real identity", I just got into with a Facebook friend. He's been a long distance friend for more years than I care to admit, and he and I are on completely opposite sides of the aisle when it comes to politics. He posts political stuff on his FB all the time, and I ignore it, but last time he went so far as to (I thought) indicate that anyone who doesn't agree with his politics must be a bad person, must be an asshole!

    I called him on it and wanted a clarification if he really meant to imply that, or if he was just talking about the leaders, not the followers. He didn't back away one iota. He clarified and yes, it turns out if you don't see the world the same way he does, you're not just wrong, you're not just misguided, you pretty much must be a bad person who is intentionally contributing to the world's downfall. He asked me if what he said was clear.

    I replied with one word, "Crystal" and then de-friended him. Life is too short to be even Facebook friends with such an arrogant, narcisstic, sanctimonious jerk. I should point out that I have REAL friends who don't agree with me even 5% of the time when it comes to politics. Yet they are friends forever and they apparently don't think I'm evil....just wrong.

    1. Some people are like that, Rob and it is really sad. It is actually rather arrogant because I am fairly sure that along with being a "bad person," he probably thinks you are ignorant too. Those usually go hand in hand with that type.

      Screw intelligent debate, jusy agree with ME...sad.


  7. I agree with everything everybody said, & I don't think that has ever happened before!! There is nothing more I can add so

  8. I've seen you argue the most contentious issues with unfailing courtesy and patience; go ahead and rant a little! And please ask Tom for me how a man can claim to be able to smell "peat" and "smoke" and "honey" in scotch, but apparently can't smell a cat litterbox that needs changing? (a question I have asked on FB but received no definitive answer). Feel free to expand this to a discussion of why men get so obsessive about their hobbies.

    1. I like this Jen H.

      A mans sense of smell is truly interesting and definitely worth a post (or more, from multiple people). In fact, it's safe to say that i'm going to take this idea and run with it for myself.

    2. Great questions, Jenn! Grrouchie and I may have to coordinate...


    3. Tabled.
      All of those that agree say "yay"

      me: yay

      all that dis say "nay"
      (gavel slam)

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