Thursday, December 06, 2012

Twilight: Breaking Wind Fart 2

I've never watched a single Twilight movie before nor have I ever read any of the books.
I know that there were teams of Edward and Jacob because I saw the book bags and listened to little girls talk. I also knew that there was this psychotic high school chick whose only goal in life was to bang the ugliest 500 year old undead bastard I have ever seen (I am guessing on his age honestly).

I heard the books were poorly written and that twilight really just boiled down to one long fucking romance novel that just happened to have poorly written and sparkling vampires.
I have judged everything based on very select information that I received NOT from the actual product and after seeing the movie I'm pretty fucking happy with my original thoughts.

Evidently in this universe Vampires can exist in the sunlight (as it was daylight quite a bit during this movie and they were all outside and shit) and have very random powers just to spice shit up.
One vamp can make you go blind temporarily, one amazonian vamp can basically replicate LSD and force you to trip by making you visualize anything that she wants you to.  This could actually be the best power of them all because if you piss her off, during sex she could make you picture that you're banging some really ugly broad like Oprah or Sally Jessie Raphael and shit.
Then there are Vamps that can control the elements, one that is her own personal stun gun and some creepy dude that makes black mist to paralyze you.
When the hell did Vampires NEED extra abilities to be cool?  They just kill, murder, lurk in the dark, turn people and drink lots of blood.  It is not necessary to have extra abilities.

Also - why the fuck are the werewolves consorting and being friendly with the Vamps.  I don't get it and never will (won't watch the other movies) but it appears to me that Ugly Vamp and hunky Wolf both wanted to fuck the same girl, Vamp won but wolfie now is playing friendly for whatever reason.

Speaking of fucking the high school chick - WTF.

Question - if Vampires are not technically living and their blood does NOT FLOW then how does Ugly Vampire get and maintain an erection?
How does he ejaculate?
How does his DEAD sperm knock up a living being?


It took me at least 15-20 minutes before I could just let myself relax enough to get into the movie and try to enjoy it for what it is - and that is a crappy romance movie with some action subplots.
The opening scenes are post transformation of Bella (the High School Broad) as she copes and adapts to her new Vampire state of un-dead.
I guess the big romantic line was "We're the same temperature now."

They make this girl out to be horribly extraordinary but do it in a pretty shitty way.
She was supposed to feed on a deer - but she smelt human blood and rushed off to murder the guy and drink him dry.
However, once she got there she suddenly developed the good sense to ignore her craving and go hunt more wild life instead.  It felt really unnatural.

Then there is the scene with Charlie (I think Bella's father) who thought she was sick and appeared to have no clue about anything supernatural at all.
So Wolfie goes and has a talk with him to let him know that his daughter is all fine and dandy but there have been some changes and to show him this he slowly strips down to his tighty whities (this obviously was for the girls) and then transforms into a big fucking wolf - then as Charlie is backing up and probably shitting himself he lays down near his feet and whimpers.
I don't get the whimper - is that the only way we can show that he's not dangerous?
Next thing you know Charlie is coming over to visit his daughter all perfectly fine that he just saw someone transform into a beast.  It all felt forced and shitty (again).

There are other instances where things feel really forced, as if someone was writing a bad romance novel and just interjecting other shit into it (and that's pretty much what this movie/book was from my understanding).
Based on the fact that I've heard the movies followed the books very painstakingly and painfully close I am left to come to the conclusion that the books are poorly written and that's why the movies felt very forced and incomplete at times.

The movie in general was lame, it was boring.  However, as the end approached the action scenes made up for a good deal of it and I was really getting into it - especially the huge fight scene at the end.
I was excited as what looked like very integral plot characters were being killed off in one final (not so bloody) battle between what I assume is good vs evil and the ones left standing would be the ones to carry on tradition and whatever.

Then it happened.
IT .... IT fucking happened.

Stephanie Meyer has no backbone. She has no balls. She teases you with something that could have been really awesome and set up the follow up books/movies (I'm sure eventually there will be) with a Great War that could have been passed on from vampierial generation to generation.  It was mammoth.
Then, in what was probably one really poorly written sentence she wiped out everything that was fucking cool about the movie (book, whatever) and said "Fuck you, this never happened, put your dick away silly boy" and ruined everything for me.

I am so pissed about the way the final battle played out, or in reality never even bothered to play out.
The movie made it out like there was a big struggle between what essentially was good and evil.
It led up to this one mammoth final conflict between good and evil.  One big showdown like all good action movies do.
Then, Instead of an actual battle to change the history of Vampire-Kind the Evil side said "Well, lets just not do this and instead go our separate ways and continue to hate each other from afar."

I want to puke.

Oh, and before I end this and forget.
What the fuck is up with the Half Vampire/Half human concoction which I guess can be fueled by either blood or steak and potatoes?
I mean, seriously.  You take the time to invent this half breed Vamp that is Human AND Immortal and can eat, piss, shit, bleed and whatever else and go nowhere with it.

I went into this movie thinking I was going to hate it but gave it a chance.
I tried to enjoy it for what it was and up until the final "battle" that never happened I didn't find myself trying to plot ways to run to the exit.
The final battle ruined everything for me and I curse the existence of the series of books.

Also, leaving the theater the little lady asks me how I liked it and I made some remark that I don't remember.
She then proceeds to tell me "Well, it was better than Lord of the Rings"

And so I fucking shot her, then ran her over with my car for good measure.

The End
P.S. - looking for a new girlfriend, one with sensible taste in movies.


  1. It was better than The Lord of the Rings?!?!? I'm just gonna go out on a limb here and guess that her other favorite movie is probably The Notebook. Is your girlfriend in high school by any chance?

    1. Actually Titanic
      and she has never said that Twilight is anywhere near her favorite movie/series - she just said she liked it better than LOTR.
      I think this shows some sort of mental disability which might show up at a very improper time (like if she ever reads this lol).


  2. Submit this to the National Science Foundation. They might fund your research. The evolutionary bent to Vampires deserves study. And you should be able to get a discount on stakes at work which would provide for some added profit.

    1. A discount above and beyond my normal 10% off?
      Count me in

  3. I was tired and forgot a few terse sentences when I typed this up - I forgot to talk about "how" they killed each other.
    "oh, it's a choke hold" and pop goes the weasel

  4. "...and I listen to little girls talking." I think this possibly got you on some sort of secret FBI watch list.


    1. I guess it's good that I don't get a whole lot of traffic to garner any unwanted attention then....