Sunday, August 05, 2012

Of Fat Guys and Old Men

This all stems from something that I heard ages ago when I was just a young lad.  Over the years I have recanted it many times when the proper situation arises and tonight while lying down with my puppy love I randomly happened to think about the second part of this post.
Before anyone asks, NO - I have no bloody clue why the second part of this "observation" was even in my head.  My mind doesn't work properly. My "empty thoughts" are not the same as everyone else's.  Some people day dream about a hot broad that they saw in passing two weeks ago and want to bang, I day dream about things that I usually don't freely admit until I find a way to blog about them :)

Unlike our female counterparts the male mind revolves around a very limited number of things.  Boobs, Beer, Pizza/Wings, football and vagina's.  Not necessarily in that order, but those are the big ones.  You can make some substitutions depending on the man and his location in the world.  For instance, if he's Canadian you can get rid of Football and replace it with Hockey.  If he's from the south maybe Nascar instead.  If he's from the bible belt or went to Penn State then you can throw in little boys and NAMBLA meetings. You get my point.

Rob touches the Boobs all the time so I can skip that one for this evening.  Football will also be skipped and instead of I'm to give a little focus on the others while leading into the main event.

Fat Guys have smaller dicks.
That is a very blunt statement and not 100% factual, but it's a good generalization.  I have done extensive research and other than Ron Jeremy and an occasional nameless others you don't see a whole lot of fat guys in porn.  The other thing you really don't see in porn are huge muscular weight lifting types.  There is a reason for this.
Human flesh is an amazing organ.  At birth we are all pretty much the same size and weight and from there we all grow to different proportions, and with this growth our flesh grows with us and generally never complains.  However, there are limitations that were never conceived for our flesh and it is these limitations that cause the issue.  You see, the human race was never meant to be obese or overly muscular.  We started out as hunter gatherers who constantly had to get exercise just to eat and most of the time did not have an over abundance to eat on any regular basis.  It wasn't until our intelligence (and vanity) developed that we stared to see people's sizes changing disproportionately.
It is these changes that have caused the male penis to shrink (ladies, aren't you happy you know?).  The flesh can only expand so much.  As certain areas reach their limits they have to start pulling that flesh from other areas in order to maintain balance and not rip and cause issues.

Fat guys have large bellies. The belly is located real close to the crotch and thus that is where it takes that extra skin from, thus shrinking the tally-whacker.
Muscular guys have large bugles everywhere and as a result of all those long hours in the gym the only muscle that they want to look larger actually gets smaller.  Sucks, but true.

I could probably end it there, but that's only the first order of business today.  Now lets look at another anomaly, the anomaly of the incredibly growing nut-sack on old men.
I don't want any one of you to pretend that you have no idea what I am talking about.  Everyone has noticed this in one form or another. It might have been a joke in a movie or your crazy great uncle frank, but everyone has either heard a story about or seen some old mans ball randomly escape through the leg of his shorts (or pants dog forbid) and just hang there in the sunlight while it's owner chills with a beer in his hand oblivious to the fact that he might get a very painful form of sunburn in the near future.

As old people age they shrink, this is a genetic fact that I have heard in the past and choose to adopt as truth. Why else would old people develop all of those wrinkles.  After years and years of the skin stretching and growing to cover everyone up and make them look beautiful, the body then starts shrinking and all that extra flesh has to do something - Thus wrinkles.
Not only that, but area's that were ignored before so that the flesh could cover elsewhere suddenly find themselves with an overabundance of flesh that should have been there to begin with.  This is why the nut-sack suddenly grows 100x in length.   The good news is that because all this extra flesh now exists an old man's erection is normally 2-3 times the size it was when he was a younger strapping lad doing dirty things in the Navy before Don't Ask Don't Tell.

It is with all of this knowledge that I believe old midgets must all be hung like fucking horses.
Ladies, looking for that one last fling? I suggest finding an old midget and a bottle of Viagra.  Bring some extra lube because things are going to get ugly and painful!!!

The More You Know.


  1. I never knew all this! Seriously! Is this shiat true? If so, the Lightning has a big sack? Hmmmm

    1. Josie love, if you read it on the internet then it's true.
      Also - as a reporter of the highest kind I feel it is my duty to never lie.

  2. Replies
    1. I've got some fucked up thoughts that run through my head at times.
      I like to share.
      In fact, at work, one of the most common things I hear is "Too Much Information"

  3. Lose.weight and the tree grows. You see, the root of the attached.underground, so to speak. That anchor point does not change but the fat can expand.

    Lose weight, get more trunk.

    I don't know why the berries grow as we get older but....they do. Trust an older dude. My only theory is that gravity is a bitch.

    Yes, they do get in the way at times.

    So all that means that you don't want to be an old fat guy. Like a Scottish band: All bag and no pipe is bad.


    1. This is 100% the reason why I am trying to lose weight.
      Nothing to do with better health or living longer or feeling better, It's just to have a bigger trunk with hopefully a bit less bark.

  4. I see that Josie Whore just had to comment -- Ms. Testical Fan. My thoughts: 1) Fat guys just look like they have smaller dicks because they are so big. Almost everything on a big person tends to get bigger/proportional EXCEPT ... uhhh ... the one thing you'd most want to get bigger. 2) The muscular guys are likely using 'roids which grow most parts of the body but shrink those little testicles and make the mighty schlong look smaller. 3) Everyone has a story about some old relative with the massive sack. All probably true, I am afraid.

    Hey Josie -- since you are in your 50's, tell us about old lady stuff. Ewwwww ...

    1. See - the whole nut sack thing is too common to not be true.

      And Josie may have sent me an email asking for before and after shots - she also might not have but I'll let you all believe which one is true.


    2. I am not in my 50's lightbulb!

  5. Nothing quite as invigorating as an unexpected testicular splashdown in an unduly shallow toilet bowl. And I'm just barely 40.


    1. Oh Chuck. It is a terrible surprise because a) the water is cold and b) it usually happens on a warm day.

      The good news is that because they do grow as we get older, we can push them to one side and really fill out a pair of jeans. Through denim, it is impossible to distinguish bag from pipe so the effect can be impressive.

      And by the time the woman finds out that the package is more bag than pipe, she is probably already committed.


  6. "Rob touches the Boobs all the time"

    1. Not nearly as often as I'd like to. (But then, that would be mathematically impossible)

    2. Only when invited/encouraged to do so, never when unwelcome. I am nothing if not a gentleman. Just ask Josie.

  7. I have never seen an old man's junk - ever. Thank God.

    But, I have to say that maybe heavy guys do look like they have a smaller penis due to their size. Just like fat guys look like they have really small heads (the one on the shoulders).

    Also, I'm not an expert since I don't have a penis, but I think if you have more sex, your penis will grow. Over time, the skin on the penis will stretch with each long held erection/sexual encounter, therefore making it possible to "grow" because there is more skin. I'm not revealing how I know this. ;o)

    1. so yer saying that me finishing in under a minute with every sexual encounter I have ever had is bad?

      what I meant to say was

      The "growing" with more sexual encounters is actually something that has been shown to actually happen but it's not directly related to just the amount of times you are getting some booty, it's more involved with the amount of emotional involvement and comfort that you develop with your loved one.... or some shit - I don't know - I've heard it explained before back in college

    2. ArchaeoNerd: If what you are saying is true, women would have a great incentive to demand more sex from their guy, because of the obvious, um, long-term effects.

      Since no woman has ever demanded more sex from me, I have to assume they're already quite satisified with the size of my equipment.