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Saturday, September 22, 2012

I'm on a Staycation BizNatchez

The day it came
the blood was rain
we harvested eternal pain
the Battle raged for a million years
but through the burning corpses pall
it was revealed that GWAR did fall
and we were banished to this Stinking Oddball Planet!

I'm on Vacation - it officially started last evening after a couple of naps to recover from the headache that I had.  At one point I got woken up by my HR texting me telling me that all of my info was submitted and that I was going to be very HAPPY with the offer the other store was going to make me.
I fell back asleep.

My phone rang, it was the other store.  I answered and had a brief conversation where upon I found myself trying to fall back asleep while on the phone.  Not good.  She gave me my offer.
I instantly woke the fuck up.  I was silent but I was accutely aware of everything going on in the universe at the same time.  My Spider senses were on overload - I couldn't speak.  She asked me what I thought and then I realized that I was still on the phone.
My words spoke elatement though I cannot repeat whatever it is that I actually said to her.  I was floored, it was a great offer and based on our last conversation it was much more than I was expecting.
My life is looking up and headed in the right direction.

But back to Vacation - I ended up going out last night against my better judgement, it ended up worth it.  I drank an entire football filled with slush and rum and got pretty drunk without realizing it.  The whole time I was drinking and walking and talking and stalking and balking and (and enough - stop that shit right there) I guess the heat and the sweat didn't allow me to realize how much alcohol I had drank. I felt fine and kept thinking "This must have been weaker than I thought."
It all hit me later - it was a lot of booze and I was smashed.
I think I was mostly fine until I stopped moving so much.  I got home and took Monster out to water the flowers and that's about the point where I stopped walking straight lines properly.  At one point I remember trying to get up to go to the bathroom but my room had actually increased the amount of gravitational pull on the floor and I struggled.  My toilet was swaying back and forth causing issues with urination and I'm pretty certain that I didn't find that joke to be too funny at the time.  No toilet should move like that just to mess with a drunk man.

Now I have to go shit, shower and shave before heading out.... well... shit and shower.  I have a very firm rule that I do NOT fucking shave when I'm on vacation.  Sometimes, maybe, just a bit around the neck if it's getting a bit itchy and annoying.

Speaking of shaving - I'm at work the other day and in the break room and somehow a conversation about shaving privates comes up.  There are words said and jokes made and then someone makes a references to me.
I look at him and say something similar to this:
"Are you serious?  Do I look like the kind of guy that shaves his junk?  Look at me.  I can't even manage to take care of the hair on my face reasonably well and you're going to tell me that I'll take care of the hair down there?  You must be ochafucking mind"
And I ended my portion of the conversation there, much like I'm going to do here!

5 comments:

  1. Get that money.

    I haven't had a conversation from an HR person like that before. I bet it must be nice.

    Did you give her a list of demands?

    1. Your own parking spot

    2. A fresh bowl of M&Ms on your desk every morning, with the brown ones removed

    etc.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dammit - I knew I failed somewhere.
      That's what I get for negotiating after being woken from my nap.
      No M&Ms for me ;/

      Delete
  2. Wet bar in your office
    All Jewish holidays off (I know, but they don't)
    hot and cold running concubines
    two hours a day to read Rob's posts

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hey man if you're off let's get shitty & play some .50/1 poker! Biatch!

    ReplyDelete