Ho Ho Ho - Happy Thanksgiving Everybody
|This Turkey Doesn't Fuck Around|
Tis the season to be thankful for everything you have and celebrate by over eating and stuffing yourself to the point that your clothes don't fit any longer. When you get to that point it is then tradition to unbuckle (unbutton, unzip, remove completely, whatever) your pants and begin anew as you've just magically made more room inside that skin of yours. Oh yes - the holiday of gluttony (not to be confused with Xmas which is the holiday of greed - more presents, less food) and what a splendid time of year it is.
Thanksgiving is about getting the family back together. You don't have to like the family but you really have to remember to invite everyone of those motherfuckers over because if you slip up and forget one or ignore the slutty sister you are going to hear about it for the next nineteen years, give or take a decade. So yes, invite everyone over including your drunk cousin who always has 10 too many and then tries to get all gropey-grope with the younger ladies because he is family and this holiday is about eating and fighting with family. Oh, also over drinking. Overindulgence in general. Just don't let gramma with the bad eyes and her own personal bottle of Bourbon do any of the food prep or you might be down another child - kind of like 3 years ago when little baby Todd when missing.
Going to go out on a limb here and say don't let the redneck portion of the family "provide" the turkey either. I mean, it's really nice of them to volutneer to go huntin' to catch the family meal but this kind of shit should be left to a grocery store or uncle Larry winning a turkey at the local Eagles Pub through their pick-ticket give away. Sure he spent $200 on it and went through another $87 in booze, but the guy won a free turkey and that's something to be proud of.
Last year when Trevor brought home something he ran over on the way to granny's house everyone lost their appetite and two people got sick and passed out after looking at it.
|Put the Hatchet down you Ugly Bastard|
I personally have a very non-traditional family and we like to mix shit up. For instance, the only turkey that I'll be partaking in this year is one of the Wild variety. Oh yes, none of that tame store bought turkey for me. Give me a large serving (or three) of a Wild Turkey any day of the week and twice on Thanksgiving. After all, I am thankful that I can still function the next day when customers are coming in droves looking for a fucking shop-vac that is normally $79.99 but today is only $14.99 and they really seem confused and angry when I tell them we sold out before noon but they're at the store at 7 fucking PM and thinking that everything in the advert should be available all day long.
Stop calling these things doorbusters and call them Ball Busters instead. Give me a mallet and a sign that says I get to hurt the 1st 6 fuckers that decide to ask me a stupid question. Oh, this sounds like fun in the making!!!
As I mentioned above, my family is non-traditional. This year we are celebrating Thanksgiving TODAY. We will not be serving Turkey but instead are cooking up a nice tasty and succulent lamb for all to partake in. I have a feeling that the kid is not going to like lamb so we also bought some chicken nuggets to cook in a pinch.
Tomorrow, when the rest of the nation is busy arguing with their family over just how creepy uncle Larry really is or while Orville was sent back to prison for the 3rd time in 8 years I'll be sitting down with my remaining bottles of Octoberfest (oh, I horde that shit so I can have some when no one else can) and watch the football games - which is the REAL reason Thanksgiving exists in the 1st place.
The Pilgrims and Indians started that tradition. The first turkey they plucked was the football and it was a messy occasion, but tradition lives on.
So, now that You've sat through all of that here is some shit that I am thankful for on this particular holiday.
I'm Thankful to have my family back.
I'm Thankful to slowly forming my own family with the most wonderful woman I have ever come across.
I am thankful that even though I have lost a lot of weight and cut down my portion sizes this year I can still eat like a fucking pig for occasions such as this.
I am thankful that I have found people who support me for who I am and what I do/what I want to do.
I am thankful for Linda for prodding me along on a journey of self discovery and sleaze (oh please let there be sleaze).
I am thankful that I have a job that I (mostly) enjoy and pays me well enough to do everything I want.
I am thankful to have my house, so my parents never have to move again.
I am thankful that all of you continue to be loyal readers.
I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and that your team of choice (or whomever you happened to have money riding in) wins since my Steelers aren't playing.
|Gobble Gobble Gobble Mother Fucker|
(Houston, Washington and New England will all win, fyi)