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Friday, February 03, 2012

Crap

Oh no, this is not about the fun game that everyone loves to hate.
There are no Yo-Elevens here, no hard sixes or hopping the sevens, no placing and no coming (well - uh, no, just not).  You are not lucky enough for any of that today.

Diet and Exercise - words everyone loves to hate.  Truth be told if you diet you are never going to achieve your goals, at least not long term.  You are going to drop a few pounds and feel better about yourself and then when you go back to binge eating bags of chips and Taco Bell you gain the weight right back again (if you're lucky that is, if you're not lucky then you gain more back you fat bastard) and feel miserable and wonder why nothing works for you.  I want to be a skinny bitch too, they have all the fun.

When you are in the process of Diet and Exercise there are some great things that happen to you.  You start to lose weight and have more energy.  You feel better about yourself and your surroundings and you build up confidence at the new you that you see in the mirror.

However, there is a dark side to this new lifestyle as well.  A very shady, annoying, dark side that nobody really tells you about. Something you never think about until it's too late.  As you eat better and exercise more you shit more. A lot more.  I wish there was a warning on the fucking elliptical about this, or on the head of lettuce.  Somewhere.

I've always been a "once a day" type of guy.  And, usually, it was around the same time every day.  It was great. I saved money because I didn't go through much toilet paper and all was happy in the world. I have only been working out for two weeks at this point (eating better for about a month and a half) and already I'm seeing a dramatic change in my toilet habits.  I am shitting AT LEAST twice a day.  I usually drop the kids off in the pool before I head out to work and I generally drop their cousins off before I come home from work.  Sometimes at night, before the workout, there is a 3rd family gathering.   This is annoying for me.
My asshole is not used to this much wiping.  In fact, I'm just going to be frank about it and admit that it's more sore than it needs to be and I'm going to have to invest in picking up some wet-wipes.

Wet-Wipes.
I'm glad I was re-introduced to them because they are just amazing.  You feeeelllll sooooo gooood when using them.  I don't understand why it takes a sore asshole to rediscover this goodness.  I don't know if we are just too cheap as a nation that we ignore wet-wipes and choose to punish our assholes by dry wiping for year after year.
When you first come into this world as a newborn you get a wet wipe treatment all the time.  It's great, you giggle, and your ass is clean and smells like a forest after the rain.  Why do we ever stop this process?
Once you start wiping your own ass after you learn to use the toilet yourself you are given a roll of dry toilet paper and told to try and make sure your thumb doesn't poke through.  That's it, no more wet-wipes until after you graduate college and pay off all your bills and one day wake up with a hemorrhoid (and who the fuck came up with the spelling of that word?) because you mistreated your bum-hole so bad that it hurts just to sit down (who knew that light bulb would break, it seemed like a good idea at the time).
I think our parents are trying to punish us for something and I'm not sure what it is.  If they were truly good to us they could skip that whole Satan Clause thing and just jump right to the wet-wipes.
"These will make your bum feel better and when you become a teenager they make quick clean up as well."

To sum everything up.
Diet and Exercise is bad for you because you'll shit more which leads to a sore butt-hole.
Be smart, (show S-mart) and invest in some wet-wipes and let the good times roll.

9 comments:

  1. Hmmm, I have never thought about it that way - but now It's sure to be stuck in my head for life.
    Thanks grump - I'll probably never struggle to spell it again haha.

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  2. On spelling: "Hemorrhoid" has that strange RRH in the middle because it Really Really Hurts.

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  3. Safety is overrated. Join the real, cruel, world.

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  4. First Tony's boil and now your asscrack. wtf is going on in Las Vegas? Should I stay in the safety of my home state?????

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  5. I think it was more of an off colored PSA.
    Also, I used to live by TMI.

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  6. I'm tempted to say this blog entry is "TMI" but I guess it needed to be said. So in addition to ready about crappy hands, crappy cards, and bluffs that are total bullshit....we now can also come here and ready about.....crap.

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  7. Yes, there is a consistency issue that I forgot to touch upon lol.

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  8. hehe u got it too?!

    mine are much more "sloppier" now also =(

    cordially,

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  9. You used to make fun of me because I have to go number 2 after each meal. You now understand my discomfort. It's not as if you can stop it ir make it go away. No! That leads to added discomfort and sometimes much mote terrible things. I call it "the waited to long then went to weight training" incident.

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