Saturday, February 25, 2012

Self Destructive

Today has taken a turn for the annoying.
I was looking forward to a fun evening out on the town and hopefully catching up with Rob who is in town for a few degenerate days, however my mood has soured and now I want to do things that are detrimental to my self in one form or another.

Now, mind you, I'd never actually do anything that would physically harm myself or another but generally when I get like this I tend to do things that are not good for me financially or things that I'll notice in the future as a reminder (of what, I don't know).

For instance, last time I got in a particularly self destructive mood I opened up a mint and rare Limited Collectors Edition of Mass Effect that was worth somewhere between $400 - $800 depending on which way the wind blew on Ebay/Amazon.
Now I have something that is worth closer to $100.
Was I ever planning on selling it?  There was a slim chance.  If I could complete the collection; collectors editions of all 3 games sealed and mint, then maybe I'd take the lot to Ebay and see if I could get $1200 or something out of them.  But mostly I really just like to have things that are worth money because of how poor I grew up (especially when I don't pay much, if anything, to get the things to begin with.  The Mass Effect game i got for free).
Mostly I just liked having it in my collection, something to show off to friends when they come over. It just made me smile.  Weird that a video game could do something like that, but it's the truth.

There is not a whole lot in life that puts me in one of these moods and they are very rare - it's just that I don't know how to deal with them when they strike me.
Or, more to the point I should say, I don't know how to deal with them constructively.  I don't know how to manage them until they go away without costing me anything in one form or another.

Dealing with depression is a bitch at times. I've never been medicated nor have I ever been clinically diagnosed, however I can see it for what it is.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel and as long as that light is not attached to a semi-truck or a train everything is all honky dory.

Well, writing appears to have helped.  Maybe writing really can be my Xanax and if so then knowing that makes me smile.  I really appreciate Renee right now and just want her to know that.

However, I still want to get the hell out of my apartment, even if only for a short period of time.
I think the beginning of tonight's distraction is going to be one hundred dollars, a poker table, my Bose headphones and Pantera's Vulgar Display of Power blasted loudly.  Double up or go home.
"Walk on home, Son"


  1. I'm not sure its okay for me to comment on this since I am the cause of your strife and suffering.

    Yet I'm going to say I'm happy that you've found something constructive to help work through you tough times.

  2. Double up or go home.
    "Walk on home, Son"

    Blind man walkin'
    Tryin' to get home. -- Leon Russell

  3. People that are depressed or have other counseling-type issues tend not to get assistance until forced one way or another. You never know -- you could have a totally new experience of life ...

    1. appreciate it - When all is said and done with my situation maybe I'll consider it then.
      Until then I'll be too busy taking my Craps dealing class so that I can slowly wiggle my way mostly out of the retail world and into something more fun

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  5. Her's are good for getting into and out of depression. :). Feel better man. it's all mental.

  6. Hey. Just wanted you to know that you are definitely not alone in dealing with depression. I've had it for a long time and, like you, I don't have medication for it, nor have I been medically diagnosed with it. But, yeah, I've researched the symptoms and such and that's what it is. Nice to know that I wasn't nuts in high school though - it was *just*

    If you ever need to talk about it, or vent about how much it bloddy well sucks, just message me on facebook or I'll send you my cell number if you'd like and if you need the "ear", text me.

    1. Thanks, I appreciate it.
      I might do that one evening/morning/3 am since i know you'll be up with a migraine anyways heh.