Sunday, March 03, 2013

Ted the Movie

For a movie that I really had high expectations for and have been clamoring to see since it came out in theaters but have been unable to watch due to the fact that it would be mildly (understatement) inappropriate to watch with a 7 year old, I would like to make the statement that I was very disappointed.
In fact, disappointed is also an understatement.  If I had to give Ted a rating I would give it two fingers up. Two middle fingers up.  Two middle fingers way fucking up in a sign of protest.

Ted.  You had an amusing premise.  You had a cast I could get behind.  You had a creative team whom I enjoy and feel is full of brilliance   You even had some good lines in the movie, but over all you get two rip roaring disappointed middle fingers in a salute.

The best thing I can say about Ted was that I paid nothing for the movie.  It came via a free RedBox rental.

In the 1 hour and 47 minutes that the movie ran these were my favorite parts.
Note - I did not watch for the entire 1 hour and 47 minutes.

The Garfield gag.

Lori: "There's a shit on my floor....."
Ted "Yeah, we were playing Truth or Dare and Charene was pretty ballsy."

Frank: "You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public?"
Ted: "Last week i fucked her with a parsnip and later sold the parsnip to a family with four small children"

Maybe my expectations were too high.
Maybe i was expecting more than just an hour and a half of "too dirty for Family Guy" material.
I don't know.
Either way - ugh - fuck - I wish this movie was better.
I'm going to go watch Bad Santa to wash the dirty taste out of my mouth and get some sleep.


  1. After some thought, I think I have figured out why our opinions of this movie differed so drastically. In a vacuum, I can see your point, but we have to remember, this was Seth McFarlane's first attempt at a movie, as opposed to his usual 22 minute episodes. He was trying really hard to live up to the hype, make the movie "Family Guy-esque" while also making a buttload of money. I think it was a pretty solid effort, but it did leave room for him to improve, and he will. My opinion may have been clouded by the presence of Mila Kunis in the movie, how can she not?

    Also, the comedy genre has been a huge suckhole the last couple years, so if you compare "Ted" to "The Watch" or "Hit and Run" you will see it more positively. (I don't actually reccomend doing that, they both really suck.) If you do want to see a good comedy movie try "Seven Psychopaths".

    1. Now that I've read your reply and think about it, I really haven't watched a whole lot of comedies recently.

      Seven Psychopaths is on my list of must see's though, thought it looked good from the previews.

  2. I enjoyed Ted a lot. I won't say it's like the best movie ever but it is fucking funny watching a teddy bear be naughty.

    1. I'll probably give it another shot at some other time in the future.
      Maybe if I change the audience that I'm watching it with it will be better.

  3. P.S. I took a 14yr old to it, so this may have altered my opinion of it.

    1. I wonder if I would have watched this when I was a teen if I would have found it funnier