Friday, March 16, 2012

Stripper Confessions

Before I get into anything I'm just going to point out that I really enjoy this group of bloggers that I have been interacting with over the course of the last few months (and the list is growing).
It's enjoyable to read stories from other people who share similar interests as myself even if those stories are not about Poker but regular every day stories about life events.

So when I ran with Hooker Week after reading one of Rob's posts and a whole bunch of other people followed suit I just thought that was the bee's knees.

Now after reading a blog by jt88keys which is a call to arms for stripper stories I don't feel that I can resist.

Sadly, unlike my hooker stories, I think I have more to share here.

I'm going to start with the fact that I never went to a strip club until I was somewhere in my mid 20's and even then it really wasn't by choice.  We had a friend in town visiting, Mudd, who's 21st was happening and he really really really wanted to hit up a strip joint and so a bunch of us ended up going.  This was in Erie Pa where the hottest stripper might be one of the ugliest in a Vegas Joint, an off strip and out of the way Vegas Joint.

I received no dances that evening and I avoided sitting near the stage too much but I had a good time making fun of the girls.  One of them almost fell right on her face while trying to take her panties off over her shoes and other than my roommate at the time getting his first lap-dance and telling me it was the next best thing to sex that is pretty much all I remember about my first trip.

It wasn't until many years later, after moving to Vegas, that I made my second trip which I only went to because I was invited by my, then, girlfriend who was going to one with her boss and some co-workers.
I showed up and my drinks, Jaeger Bombs, were being paid for by the boss and good times were had.

I remember watching one girl dance who was doing some pretty amazing tricks on the pole and my girl telling me that I absolutely had to go up there and shove some ones in her G-string because she was "working hard for her money."  After that things were a bit alcohol induced blurry and not very memorable.

So, all of that boredom aside here is the story I started typing to tell you about.
Oh Maria, you crazy stalker stripper you.

I met Maria shortly after a break up with an ex who shall remain unnamed for vagueness.
I was at one of the low class off strip places, drinking way more than I should have and enjoying shows and getting talked into the occasional bad lap-dance.
Mind you, I was more interested in the one beer-wench who was much hotter than most of the dancers, but I was drunk, depressed and lonely and any type of female attention was good for me at the time.
This is when I met Maria.

I was sitting off to the corner of the 2nd stage just watching the show and drinking when she got done with her routine and walked by me.  After taking a few steps she turned around and just casually asked if I wanted a dance and my reply was along the lines of "Sure, why the hell not."
Maria was not stunning, she was not young and perky and the kind of stripper you go home and tell stories to your buddies about.  She wasn't even good on stage, she was awkward and the phrase "I felt embarrassed for her" comes to mind.
However, she had a skill that has been unmatched over any of my trips to the random strip clubs that I have been do.  She knew how to properly tease during a lap-dance.

So now I'm drunk, less depressed but horny and chatting up a stripper who I'll never see outside this club because she sure as shit knows how to make small talk and make it seem like she's interested in me when next thing I know she has my phone in her hands and is making a phone call to herself so that she can have my number.  I don't remember ever pulling my own phone out and i don't remember her putting her hands into my pocket to get it either, but she did.
I didn't think too much of it until a couple of weeks later I got a call from Maria asking me to come down and see her some time.

Maria was a salesman, and she evidently had a good routine going that I was now a part of.
In the ways of the stripper, I was very green.  I knew nothing and it struck me that this girl was calling me and saying "hey, I'll be working on such and such a day how about you come down and see me again."
Our conversations were more than just that, she made a lot of small talk and asked me questions about my job and whatever else.  She talked a lot about her family and her son and other things that she probably was making up, but maybe not.
I still picture her sitting at a desk somewhere with a script "call 1, call 2, call 13, etc" with this script of a made up life involving her house, her son and occasional trips to mexico to visit family.

However, the personal attention worked (and I think that it was mainly because most of her phone calls she wouldn't even mention the strip club, she would just talk for a while and sometimes nearing the end she would ask when she was going to see me again).
Women can easily get in my head and manipulate me - it's the way I am.  It has happened time and time again in the past and I'm sure it will happen in the future no matter how many times I tell myself that it won't.
They have Vagina's and I am easy to take advantage of!

So every once in a while I would head down to pay a visit, usually after a successful poker session where I had money to burn and beers that wanted drinking.
I'd run into Maria and chat her up a bit, have a few drinks and sometimes enjoy a dance before my evening festivities have ended.
Maria was good at the lap dance, she was a working professional who knew how to press all the right buttons to keep me interested and maybe get an extra couple of dollars out of me.  She was impressive in a room full of average and I'm ok admitting that I greatly enjoyed them.
There were a few times where I had to stop her before I needed to head out and get a change of clothes and there were times where she reached down and told me that "nope, this is happening and you can't stop me."
Drunk and sticky - how I love to end my evenings.

Even though most of you didn't want to read that last part, you can't unread it.
I'm a dirty filthy perverted male who has paid for an enjoyed dances from average looking strippers who were good at their jobs.

But Maria was Different.  She kept calling and calling and calling.  Chatting me up even after I stopped visiting the club.  Month after month I would talk to her on the phone about various things and it seems the longer the time lapsed between the last time I "paid her a visit" the more she would call.
In fact, after about a 6 month period I think she started calling me at least once a week.
When she called, if I took the time to look at my phone before answering (something I usually don't do and thus I end up in conversations I don't want to be in) I started changing the name that popped up.
Crazy Maria
Stalker Maria
Don't Fucking Answer Maria.

At one point I told her that my job had transferred me to Pahrump (which was not a lie) and that I had moved up there so I didn't have to drive the 170 miles every day (which was the lie) and that I wouldn't be getting into town very often at all.
That seemed to have slowed down the phone calls, but they were still coming.  I think it might have been about a year or a bit more after my last "visit" to that strip club that I received the last few phone calls from her asking me not to forget about her and to come and see her whenever I visited Vegas.
The phone calls started to get a bit more sad and depressing, talking about an illness in the family and needing money, etc.  Being broke and maybe having to move out of the house and get a smaller place, etc.
If I didn't answer, leaving voice mails to the same effect.
However, finally the calls stopped coming and I have been Maria free for a few years.

Funny shit!

Since Maria, I have gone to one strip club (twice I think) when trying to cheer a friend up as she was having girl issues.  I got to enjoy my favorite game, "make fun of other people at the strip club."
During this time I received 2 private dances, both bought by the other person.
One sucked and one was good, nothing exciting, nothing to see here, move along.
Though I was disappointed because I was nice enough to buy her a dance from a hot Asian chick and she bought me a dance from an extremely tall french girl who I didn't find attractive.
Oh well - them's the breaks.
It's been well over 3 years since I have been to any of the strip clubs but there is one that I want to visit.
Las Vegas's worst strip club.
I've linked it before and here it is again.
Foxy Girls
That article alone makes me want to go.


  1. This lyric came into mind when I read this, " To can't call me dirty and then lift up your skirt." You called me perverted!

  2. If I ever make it back to Vegas you and I are going to go take some money off the other tourists at the poker table and then we're going to that strip club.

    1. Lol, awesome!
      Also, there is no IF - it's WHEN you make it back to vegas.
      And, that article really does entice me in a way that I don't understand
      Article: This place is awful
      grrouch: I must go

    2. Maybe you'll meet your next girlfriend !

  3. Wow, that's some story about Maria. Not the laugh riot I was hoping for, to be sure. But well worth reading.

    I was also fascinated to learn that for your first visit to a VEGAS strip club, a girlfriend took you? Nice girlfriend! And that it was because her boss took her and a bunch of co-workers? What line of work was your girlfriend in? Because I'm pretty sure that in any other town but Vegas,a boss talking a female subordinate to a strip club would justify a sexual harrassment case.

    Anyway, another worthy entry to Stripper Week. I've added it to my post, and in fact I have all the posts I've seen on this worth topic listed on the bottom of my post on my blog. If anyone knows of one I missed, please let me know.

    1. Rob,
      She worked retail - her boss was the shop owner.
      If I am remembering correctly after they closed up shop for the day he said he was heading down there to watch football (Sunday night football maybe? Monday night maybe?) and invited everyone. She said she was coming so he told her to call me up and invite me over as well.

      Guy just liked to have fun and didn't mind his employees tagging along!
      He paid for a lot of the drinks.

      He was also cool during xmas when he took everyone out with their loved ones (wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever) to dinner at a restaurant and paid for the meal from appetizers to deserts for everyone. Also bought all his employee's presents as a bonus.

    2. One other thing I don't understand, why a guy would go to a STRIP CLUB if he really wanted to watch a football game. There are cheaper places to watch a game from. And by watching it from a strip club, he's paying for the privilege of looking at nekkid women. If he's distracted by the game, he's not getting his money's worth looking at the tushes and ta-ta's.

      But that's just me.

      Civil Rights Attorney: "He threw a football watching party with free drinks for his employees. But in order to get this little employee perk, female employees were forced to go to a strip club where naked women performed and offered lap dances. This is pure sexual harrassment and hostile work environment, your honor."

  4. His post says a lot about him. Getting emotionally involved with a stripper! Rookie mistake

    1. I'm mentally flawed when it comes to relationships which is why I will die old and alone, living in the mountains with just my dogs

    2. That's your problem.
      Drinking an honest inducing drink like gin.
      You need a dishonesty inducing drink like Arrogant Bastard (which I swear I am going to drink within the next week or so. I just don't want to get drunk and go to class hung over lol).
      Maybe I'll try it tonight after work and poker.

  5. Great story but I feel you left out some very important details. When you got the special dances were u comando? Best kind of pants? Sweats jeans or khakis? Do you stick to dark colors or say the hell with it and wear lite colors and have no shame when u walk out. Kinda like a badge of honor. Your readers could benifit from the important details :).

    1. I'm pretty much never Commando.
      I also never wear sweats since that time I sat down too fast and crushed the boys.
      Pretty much all Khaki's for the past decade or so as I don't even think I own jeans any more.

      Also, I don't know about the badge of honor part, but it's awfully dark and it's late at night. Usually leaving alone and also note that I have always wore big long shirts - which kind of act as a hiding agent lol.

      Thanks for the questionnaire, :)

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  7. you are always responsible for what you type/say/do/act

  8. They had free drinks until midnight. I drank 7 Tequila Sunrise in 1 hour. My friends had a table with bottles service so I kept drinking shots of vodka, tequila and something blue.
    I haven't drank like that in a long time. You know what weak sauce I am.

  9. I am impressed you could even use your phone

  10. No lie, I couldn't see straight. Left at like 5. I couldn't drive I had I could barely walk.

  11. Nicely written blog, You can have fantasy phone sex with no limits where you can get rid of loneliness.