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Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Tits

Today we have a guest post coming from the Dirty Old Man on the other side of the blogospher - Rob from Robvegaspoker.

By dirty I just mean he is completely normal and misunderstood by the other gender who think he is obsessed with a ladies baby feeding devices.

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Ok, so for his alphabetical project, grrouchie asked me to take the letter “T”.  Actually, that’s bullshit.  In reality, I volunteered for it.  Based on a comment on one of his posts, I thought about doing a guest-post about the greatest word in the English language that starts with “T”—TITS.  Hell, it may just be the greatest word in the English language, period.
But be warned, this is not a post about breasts.  Really, what could I say about breasts that hasn’t already been said?  I mean, breasts are just awesome, aren’t they?  Everyone knows that.  Everyone loves breasts.  Men of course love them.  They love to look at them, to leer at them, to ogle them, touch them, squeeze them, lick them, kiss them, motorboat, suck…wait, is it hot in here or is it just me?
Women love them too.  They love having them, they love teasing men with them, they love driving men wild with them. They love using them to get attention. They love comparing theirs to other women’s, especially if they think theirs are better than the other gal’s.  They love trashing their rival’s breasts. They love exposing them as much as they can, and sometimes a little bit more than they can.  .  
Even baby’s love them!  Babies especially love them, actually, though for the life of me, I can’t remember why.
Let’s face it, breasts are way, way, way up there on the list of God’s greatest creations.  And don’t tell me that you’re an atheist.  No one could look at a really great set of tits and not believe in the existence of God.  When Jamie Lee Curtis took off her top in Trading Places, she proved the existence of God to me, right then.


So I have nothing new to say about breasts. No, this post is about tits, as in, the word “tits.” Now, because breasts are so universally loved, there are many, many slang terms for them. I could do a long blog post on all those terms and still not remember them all. But let’s face it, there are two slang terms that are far and away the most popular—“boobs” and “tits.”  I suppose this may vary to some degree by regional and ethnic preferences, but honestly, I don’t think you could dispute that “boobs” and “tits” are the most popularly used words for these wonderful creations.  Sure, you sometimes hear “boobies” and “titties” but that’s just the same thing, isn’t it?
There’s a big difference between the words “boobs” and “tits”.  Simply stated, “boobs” is a chick word and “tits” is a man’s word. If a woman wants to talk about breasts—whether hers or someone else’s—if she doesn’t want to say “breasts” she will say “boobs.”  Some gals actually refer to their breasts as “the girls” but that’s just kinda weird, if you ask me.  So they talk about “boobs.”
Now a man can run off two dozen terms for them and under different circumstances he will use different words, but ultimately, when push comes to shove, the word of choice for a man is “tits.”
And that is one of the main difference between men and woman. Woman like boobs and men like tits.  To some degree, this is an age thing.  I think younger women are much more likely to call them “tits” than older woman are.  But still, I think it is a very fair generalization to say that woman don’t like the word “tits” nearly as much as men do, and a lot of woman actually hate the word “tits.”
Now those women who are, in my mind, the exceptions to the rule—those woman who have no problem having the word “tits’ roll off their tongue (so-to-speak)—well, those are really great women.  Seriously, they are just awesome.  In the old days, a woman like that would be known as a “great broad.”  I dunno what the current equivalent for that term is today, I’m too old.  But a great broad will call her breasts “tits” without a blink of eye.  A really great broad will tell you to check out the tits on some other gal.  Now that’s a great broad!  And ladies, to be called a “great broad” back in the day was not demeaning, it was a huge compliment.  Trust me.
But it is my understanding, based on piecing things together from observing human behavior, that when women are together in a group, they almost always use the terms “boobs.”  And that’s no skin off my nose, what do I care what they say when I’m not around?  I suppose they might lower themselves to using “tits” if they were trashing one of their friends who wasn’t there, if they were being catty.  As in, “Did you see Heather’s tits hanging out last nite?  She can’t stop showing them off since she got that boob-job.”  But generally, women are going to say “boobs.”
Men know this.  They know that woman prefer boobs to tits.  They know that some woman hate—and in fact are actually offended by—the word “tits.”  So whenever they are in mixed company, whenever they are around both men and woman, they have been socialized to use the word “boobs” instead of their more preferred word, “tits.”  I’m pretty sure our moms teach us this at an early age, probably soon after we noticed our first female classmate starting to actually grow some tits boobs.  So most gentlemen correctly will say the word “boobs” if they ever need to refer to a woman’s breasts in polite company.  Unless they know for sure that every single woman in that group is perfectly ok with “tits”, that is the safe and classy thing to do.
What about two people who are in a committed relationship, alone in the bedroom?  Is it ok for a man to call his lover’s breasts “tits”?  Well that is something each couple has to work out for themselves.  As I said, some women just can’t deal with the word “tits” at all, and would not accept their boyfriend, or their husband, using that word in their presence.  I recall a few years ago reading some sort of debate between two women about this very topic on the internet.  It tried to find it to link to, but I was unable to locate it.  It was probably on some blog that has long since been taken down.
But anyway, one woman said she would simply not allow her boyfriend to ever use the word “tits” in her presence.  It was totally unacceptable, it degraded her as a woman and degraded women in general.  I don’t recall whether this woman said she had made her boyfriend promise never to use the word, even when she wasn’t around to hear it, but if she did, you can bet the guy made that promise and broke it within 24 hours.
The other woman in the debate said that she was ok with her guy using the word “tits” as long as they were some other woman’s tits. Her breasts were boobs, or perhaps they had some other word for them that she approved of, I don’t remember. But it was ok for him to talk about some stripper’s tits, or some slut’s tits.  If there was some trashy girl at his office that was always wearing low-cut tops, it was perfectly ok for him to say that she had her tits hanging out.  But this boyfriend could not possibly talk about his girlfriend’s tits without seriously risking his ability to ever see them or touch them again.  How sad.  
Again, this is for each couple to resolve for themselves, but let me just say this to all you women out there.  It’s really ok for your man to use the word “tits.”  It’s ok for him to talk about your tits.  It is.  It is not degrading at all. A man—your man—telling you how great your tits are is one of the best compliments you’ll ever get. It just is. He loves your tits, he does. And if all he can say to you is, “I love your boobs, honey” or “Those ta-ta’s are amazing, baby”, he will be forever frustrated, just a bit.  He is just dying to tell you how much he loves your tits.  Yes, your tits! You cannot imagine how badly he wants to say to you, “I love your tits.  Your tits are just awesome.”
If you’re one of those women who has forbidden your man from using the t-word, try this experiment tonight.  When you are alone, take them out, and look straight at your husband or your boyfriend (or both, if that’s you thing) and say, “What do you think of my tits, sweetie?” I guarantee you won’t regret it.
But I digress.  I’m just now about to get to the actual main point of this post.  Sorry, I seem to have chosen a topic where I get easily distracted.  I’ve said that men prefer the word “tits” to “boobs”.  I’ve said that men are socialized to say “boobs” whenever there are women in the audience. And that last fact has caused a problem with men.  Men sometimes forget, or perhaps have been, um, brainwashed, into thinking they can never use the word “tits”.  And that is just absurd.
If it’s just guys—no chicks around—then depending on the context, it might be ok for a guy to refer to “hooters” or “knockers” or some gal’s “rack.” “Tits” is preferred, but those other terms are acceptable. But it is never ok for him to talk about a gal’s “boobs.”  Never. Never.
Example:  A group of guys are drinking beer, or playing poker, or whatever.  No women are in sight. Suddenly one of them spots an incredibly good looking female in the distance.  He notices that she has an especially impressive chest.  Of course, he has to point her out to all the guys with him.  So he says, “Oh god, look at the boobs on that chick!”
Nothing makes me sadder than that.  OK, that’s a lie.  Some things do make me sadder.  Losing with Pocket Kings makes me sadder.  Seeing the Lakers lose to the Celtics makes me sadder.  Thinking about children going to bed hungry at night might too; I’d have to think about that.  
But it really does bother me when it’s just guys and the guy says “boobs” and not “tits”.  You see, I now know that this guy, this poor schlep, is totally, totally whipped.  He has been totally, pathetically, broken by someone who has a vagina.
When I hear a guy like that, I know that somewhere, in some gal’s closet, up on the top shelf, in an old mayonnaise jar, this poor sap’s testicles can be found.  I wonder if she takes them down so he can see them every now and then?
My god, man, grow a pair, will ya?  Under the circumstances I just described, the acceptable way to report this to your buddies is, “Oh god, look at the tits on that chick!”  It’s just guys with you. No guy would possibly be offended by the word “tits.”  If you actually do find a guy who is offended by the word “tits”, you don’t want to know him.  You don’t want to be seen with him.  You sure as hell don’t want to be friends with him.  And you definitely don’t want to drink with him.  If the word “tits” bothers him, he is unworthy of owning a penis.
So there should no hesitation, no second thought, no self-censorship.  Remember, if it’s just guys, you damn well better call those breasts “tits”, god damn it!  Or turn in your man-card.
That’s it, folks, I’ve said my piece. Thanks to grrouchie, who publishes “a real man’s blog” (it says so on the very top), for allowing me my rant.



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Now, I would like to say that 100% belongs on this blog.
However, I believe that I just saw my readership drop by 25% of the women and 3% of the guys.

Thanks Rob for stopping by and sharing this view point.

20 comments:

  1. Much, much more enjoyable than reading Waffles' post about jerking off.

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    2. Lightning, with all due respect to Carmel, that is damning with faint praise.

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    3. Rob, I'm disappointed you didn't mention some of your favorite pairs !!

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    4. Carmel, well I did mention Jamie Lee Curtis. But remember, the post is not about tits, the body parts, it was about tits, the word.

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. Thanks for posting this. I dunno why the formatting is so off. I put up a page with improved formatting for the same post here if anyone finds it too difficult to read the above: http://robvegaspoker.blogspot.com/p/tits.html

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  4. I'll fix the formatting.
    It looked fine before submitting. I didn't view it as I had to run quick.
    Will fix tomorrow, think it will be simple.

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    1. Formatting looks MUCH better now, thanks.

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    2. One day I'll finger things out and get it right the first time

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  5. Roberto,

    I can't believe you wrote a post I appreciate! lol A very thoughtful and insightful one. I'm happy to report I used the words "breasts" or "tits" myself, mainly because I just don't think the word "boobs" does them justice.

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    1. Wow, that's some praise, Josie. That's what's known as a "left-handed compliment." Or, as fellow Members of the Tribe would say, "a Jewish compliment." You just can't believe that I wrote a post you appreciate! Ok, whatever, I'll take kudos any way I can get them.

      But I appreciate what you said, and you are perfect for this question. I actually figure you are in the age group that females would not like the word "tits". Yet you say, brilliantly I must admit, that "boobs" doesn't do them justice. I wonder if you mean ALL tits or yours in particular? Probably both.

      Anyway, I wonder if your peers and girlfriends feel the same way, or you are an anamoly when it comes to tits. When you and your friends are all sitting around, with no males around, talking about your tits (which I have to assume is pretty much all women do when they are not around guys), do they all say "boobs" or do they say "tits"? Inquiring tit-men want to know.

      Thanks.

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    2. Haha Lefthanded compliments are still compliments! Didja see where I added 'thoughtful an insightful'?

      "Boobs" doesn't do anyone's tits justice, not just mine. It's an ugly word, what you'd call a dumb person, not a word for such a pretty female body part. Although....I will concede that not all of them are all that pretty.

      Breasts sometimes do come up as a topic of conversation. (Women talk A LOT) And pretty much all my friends from high school do call them boobs. I think it's because "boobs" is the term they use with their kids - they're moms. Plus, one woman, who has a rack much bigger than mine, has said she doesn't even think of them as a sexual part, which really surprised me. TMI? (not Three Mile Island) So no they do not use the word "tits" but I'm the craziest of the group.

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    3. Speaking of tits, mine were "grazed" at work!! Sweet!

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    4. Josie - there is no such thing as Too Much Info (IMHO).

      My boobs got felt up the other day - and then I got laughed at... So I fail in the Tit Department hardcore

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    5. grrouchie, men do not have tits. Men have man-boobs. It's kinda of the opposite of what I wrote in my post, but you don't want to degrade such a great word as "tits" putting them on men's bodies, except for those tits that belong to women that men are just borrowing.

      Josie, thanks again for the compliment. Yes, I DID notice that you called my post "thoughtful" and "insightful." The trouble is, that wasn't really what I was going for. I was actually going for "humorous". But that's ok, because when I DO go for thoughtful and insightful, all I get is laughs. So it evens out.

      Thanks for admitting that you are the exception to the rule, which I wrote about And how could it be that a woman with a big rack (especially) doesn't think of her tits as "sexual"? That's incredibly sad, if you ask me.

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  6. Okay, so I'm really late on this. But I have good reasons. But they don't belong here.

    Anyway, I thought this was really funny. While reading it, I though of my guy friends and how they would most likely agree with you. We (my guy friends and I) actually have had this conversation. They wanted to know if I get offended by certain terms used in place of the word breast. And I can't really think of any. But I'm sure I haven't heard all of them. The only one that I don't like is the term, "The Girls". I'm not offended by it, it just creeps me the hell out.

    So, thank you for the humorous post. It was insightful because it's nice to hear what a man really thinks about things.

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    1. Thanks, Colors (if it's ok to call you that?) Appreciate the praise, and better late than never, right?

      Also glad you're not offended by the word. It seems so silly to be bothered by it but I know plenty of women are. I think any of the words for them that you don't know you might just find silly, not offensive. For some reason "tits" is the one that bothers people, not "funbags", "juggs", "melons", "gazongas", etc.

      I think "the girls" is what very repressed women call them. If you're not repressed, you wouldn't say that.

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