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Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother Fer Day

This pretty much sums it all up!

So it's one of those BS made up holidays invented by greeting card people in order to spread love and joy and hopefully to not forget about the lady who had to go through 24 hours of labor and push your basketball sized head through her vaginal opening and if you're lucky your old man was watching and it ruined a lot of the enjoyment that he gets out of said opening.

Yes, this is a day when we say "I know it's not your birthday but I'd really love to thank you for being around and cleaning up vomit when I snuck home late during my teenage years.  I really didn't appreciate the way you played the loud music and banged on the pots and pans and talked louder than you had to but you at least let me sleep and punished me after I woke up."

Yes, today is a day when everyone across the world (you know, except the Mexicans who decided to beat us to the punch and celebrate a few days earlier just to show us they love their mothers more than we do - Fuck you Mexicans!!! Seriously) gets to universally show their mother that she is the tits and still appreciated after all these years.

There are so many things I wanted to do this Sunday but I decided that the best course of action was to buy a gift card, give a hug and stay home and play video games while my mom is in the other room watching bad reality TV and making me dinner just to show her that I still love her.  Nothing says love like allowing her to not deviate from the normal routine? amirite?

So I've developed a routine on this day that I'd like to share with you and I feel that this has kept me under the radar for many moons and probably will continue to work for many more (depending on who reads this I guess).

I start my day with my mother.  Hanging out and being a good son.
From there I move on to a significant other lady in my life who happens to be a mother and show her that I'm capable of being not-so-jerkish by trying to make her day go well when her kid has probably forgotten about it and f'd it up and didn't make her feel cherished or whatever.
And finally I try to spend the evening with another lady whom I would not have any qualms turning into a future mother if I'm good enough to play my cards right and provide just enough alcohol to lower her inhibitions.

Then again, that is the circle of motherhood and I learned that shit by watching the Lion King (I think).

So - to my mom - I Fucking Love you lady.  You are the sole reason I am still alive today and that is no joke.  My life is worth living because of you and if it were not for you I'd be somewhere in the backwoods of Pennsylvania with 3 kids of my own and miserable about life.  I'd hate my bastard kids and probably suspect that at least 2 of the 3 were not even mine.  I'd hate my wife and tell her to go fuck herself today instead of greeting her with a hug, a smile and a "lets just have a quickie this morning to celebrate, then you can make me some bacon and pancakes babe."  I'd be contemplating just packing up a few changes of clothes and moving to Vegas to start my life over.
Instead, you are in my life and I already live in Vegas.  However, I never had to abandon a loveless marriage and change my name to try and avoid paying child support and I will be forever grateful and indebted to you for how that scenario turned out!

Now, I leave you all with some Mothers Day Pictures that I have found and feel like they need to be passed on to help celebrate this great day.

Mothers Need Love Too

After putting up with your shit she deserves a drink


This is how I'd like to end my evening! I'm a dirty pig :)


This is most likely how I would end my evening - Only 1 Roofie next time

Don't listen to what she says, listen to what she means


A face only a mother could love

3 comments:

  1. When you're in a pinch, there's Adult World... :) Happy Mom's Day!

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  2. Great post. Love your writing, Grrouchie! (Your poor mother) (ha)

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    1. my mom is the bomb! and she approves me being me :)

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